The Free Clinic - Tales of a Clerk.

2006-03-18T20:39:00.000-05:00

hmm...not much to report right now, but busy times abound, and wonderful things are happening.

Still sitting on the fence about the MPH. It is nice to know I'm in a position to choose, though. It seems that either way I'm probably making a good choice. I'm about 75-25 leaning towards going. I still have to sort out the finances, then I'll be in a position to make a decision. I still have about 20 days to choose.

I absolutely hate CTU. Right now, I honestly feel that the service is so busy (34 patients...on a service that is supposed to max out at 20), that little teaching is being done, and everything I do is just a big charade. Plus, my anxiety just runs rampant everytime I think about it. I hate that I'm on call Monday, just rubbing in the fact that I was on holidays.

And, well, I'm busy as ever with the extra curriculars. I do have to admit, it's fun being the president of a non-profit organization. It's especially fun when it's for a cause I love. I just hope I do the job justice.

2006-02-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

The Dilemma.

So, as the last post suggests, I have a bit to think about. As I approach the 6-month mark of clerkship, with 14 months to go before the end of Medical School, I have to decide whether I want to extend that experience by a year.

MD 2007: It would be nice to get finished, and get into residency. I mean, I don't exactly know what I want to do, but maybe I don't need a superfluous degree. Also, I do like money, and not selling my condo. On the other hand, I don't want to miss an excellent opportunity.

MD/MPH 2008: This would be awesome. First of all, it's exciting to have a degree from Harvard, and an MPH is a good degree to have, especially if I want to teach. And, well, I don't know what kind of doctor I want to be yet, so maybe I need the extra time. On the other hand, it's a lot of money. I may need to sell my place, and borrow from my folks. Plus, I hate the other class, so do I want to graduate with them and be a year behind my peers?

Lots to think about.

2006-02-27T22:45:00.000-05:00

I got accepted to The Harvard School of Public Health MPH program!!!! WOOOO HOOOO!

2006-02-26T21:15:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm always starting these posts with "I haven't posted in forever". Maybe it's because blogging is sort of like going to the gym. It seems so good at first, then you slowly realise you're not making a difference, so you give up.

Anyways, some exciting things are happening in my life, unfortunately all work-related (well, school-related). I'm nearing the half-way point of clerkship, now having completed Surgery, Obstetrics and Gynaecology, and Paediatrics. I have to say, I love kids. But I also love women's health, and I think it's fundamentally important that women's health is included in my practice, so it's a lot to think about right now. I feel that I would be an excellent Gynaecologist if given the opportunity.

Still have yet to hear from Harvard. Some may know I applied to the Masters of Public Health program there. It's a 9-month program (at $60 K CAD), and it's a degree I would love to have. It seems like all the intelligent activist physicians have an MD, MPH. It would make a career in women's care easier, I think.

And, the countdown is on. Two weeks until I take over as President of my most cherished organization. I love that I'm a part of the choice movement, and I love that I am living the best possible medical school experience that I could imagine. I am keeping up with school, I am heavily involved in a cause I believe in that lets me travel across North America, I have a loving partner who supports me, and every morning that I get up, I get to give the Radical Right the fucking finger.

Life is good.

Now, if only I can lose those 30 pesky pounds, I'd be all set!

I promise to post soon!

2005-11-21T10:47:00.000-05:00

Yikes, haven't posted in a couple of weeks. That's okay, though, because no one actually reads this blog.

So the last two weeks, I was in the ER. The ER is a fun place because every patient is new, you get lab results quickly, and sometimes, you make a difference. Plus, as a surgeon-wannabe, I like that it's the most exciting part of medicine, before you refer off and they deal with the patient for about 4 weeks. A couple of good cases - a few that definitely made me appreciate my life thus-far. The highlight of the two weeks was taking a patient from start to finish: it was the first time that I truly "managed" the patient. Made a diagnosis, did the appropriate exams and lab work, then made the referrals. It's a big step, I think. Usually, when we deal with patients, it's a lot of collaborative work with the resident or doctor, and now I felt like I actually did something.

Alas, most of the rest of the time was useless as titties on a nun (to paraphrase a wonderful line). You spend at least as much time trying to FIND a doctor to listen to you as you do with the patients. So that was really a waste of two weeks. On the plus side, the time in between included a trip to Atlanta for business - fun!

Today is the start of Thoracic Surgery - the lung and it's tributaries. It's also the last rotation I have in surgery. Today, also, is the big surgery written exam. I have to say, in 10 weeks, I feel that I've learned SO much, and I'm definitely starting to affirm my appreciation for medicine, and what I want to do. And, once this rotation is done (and I sense that these two weeks will indeed fly by), I will be done one quarter of my clerkship, AND will be on to OB, so I'm very excited.

Anyhoo, other than that, nothing too exciting. Will post more soon.

2005-11-08T16:15:00.000-05:00

Onwards and upwards.

So it turns out that Urology isn't that bad. Okay, I think it helps that someone paid me a compliment. In clerkship, those can be hard to come by. Each day, we go to the hospital, often without any understanding of the plans for that day. We round on patients, then we let the rest of the team delegate tasks. For me, that usually means going to clinic so that the keen students can go to the OR. But, I think that it helps to show some persistence. If you can show that you don't mind doing the shit work, and still want to learn stuff about the specialty at the end of the day, sometimes, people notice.

Anyways, the compliment that I was paid was that, apparently, I'm such a surgeon. A few months ago, that would have been offensive to me. Now I think it's such a nice thing to hear. I like that surgeons see a very tangible problem, and have a practical solution. None of this "I'm going to give you 80 medications that will mildly prolong your life without improving its quality". Okay, an exaggeration, but still.

Not to blow my horn. There are definitely times when I'm dumb as a douche-bag (and, given that douching is bad, that's pretty dumb). I'm also certain that this surgery exam will be very stressful. Thankfully, I have an opportunity to get away this weekend, even if it is for work. Hopefully I can take 4 hours with my digital camera and take some nice shots, and just get lost, and do something for me. Hmm...that reminds me - I have a spa coupon I have to use. Hooray for evening shifts next week!

Anyways, on to the Emergency Department this week. I do enjoy it, and I think it's cool, but it's not for me. I think, though, if I did Family Medicine, I would seriously consider doing the additional training to work ER shifts in the right centre. If nothing else, it's an excellent income supplement, and the hours are fair. On the other hand, it's still means something when I'm in emerg and I'm talking to the clerk on OB about her case with more enthusiasm than she has.

2005-10-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

The difference a day makes.

Okay, so I'm a bad clerk right now. I should probably be in clinic right now, but here I am, blogging (well, I am also reading up on kidney cancer). I find this rotation very bi-polar. Tuesday sucked ass, and I was so dejected. Then, yesterday, a great day in clinic. I think this is the prime example of how a clinician makes or breaks the experience. I suppose it also shows me that some people run clinic differently - some don't want you there and don't acknowledge your existence, and others are more than happy to show you everything. I think I learn better in the latter format.

Another interesting aspect of Urology is the very different team dynamic - in short, there is virtually none. Even though we are a "team" because we're the students associated with the urology department, it's still very much every person for him or herself. Everyone is desperately trying to impress consultants, make it into the OR, or get into the residency program, leaving me feeling a) out of place, b) dumb as a post, and c) getting all the shit jobs like being in the clinic no one else wants to take.

I absolutely do not want to be a urologist.

2005-10-25T21:29:00.000-04:00

Long day...

So Paediatric Surgery came and went. I liked it. I really liked it. Alas, I don't think that I could handle 5 years of General Surgery first. At least not here.

And so it seems that London has quite the hard-core surgical programs. This is just one of those things that I don't think you notice until you're out there, and you meet people who have been to other locales. Take urology, the service I am on right now. The clinics are ridiculous. First of all, no one seems to notice that they run over 2-3 hours late. Secondly, these people book over 80 patients in a day! In fairness to them, I think it's because the actual threshold of operating is fairly low, and the follow-up is pretty high. Still. Ridiculous when you can be seeing patients for about 7 hours straight without a break to eat or pee.

And it's not really for me. It's kind of funny, too, since I place such value on sexual health and women's health....men, not as sympathetic. Well, it's not that I'm not sympathetic. The patients are really good people. I guess I find the clinicians a little more "classic boys club". And the medicine involved in this specialty doesn't do it for me. Plus, I miss the OR. I have been stuck in clinic for about 16 hours or so the last 2 days.

I'm tired. I should go to bed soon, even though I have reading to do. A big meeting is coming up soon that needs preparing for, I have a couple of papers and applications that need filling out, and I need to get my manuscript published. I also got accepted to present at a conference - woo hooo!

2005-10-11T18:20:00.000-04:00

So General Surgery has come and gone. *phew*. The Verdict? Not for me. I'm sorry. I like surgery, and I could see myself being surgically inclined, but not Gen Surg - bowels and bums just aren't enough...sorry. That, and the fact that I start doing something in another area, and I find myself being that much more interested in it than GS.

The next section is Paediatric Surgery - should be interesting, and it's only 2 weeks.

In other news (and yes, Virginia, there is life outside of the hospital), this was a nice weekend. The family came up to Toronto to have some family-fun at the Zoo and Science Centre, and I had a chance to see them and spend some time with other extended family-members. Then it was off to dinner with Michael's family. It's always nice to see family, especially around holidays. I miss them a lot, being 650 km away.

Speaking of dinners, today is the beginning of Operation Ass Downsize. Alas, ladies and gents, the weight I lost last year has come back. So, now is the time to try, for the next 2 months, probably the hardest time of the year to lose weight, to reduce by at least 20 lbs, and get back into the nice clothes that I bought last year. I think I can do it. It's never easy, but I think that, with my increased mobility walking around the wards all the time, combined with simple things I can do, like stop buying food at Tim's, sticking to fruits and veg, and CONTROLLING PORTIONS!

And now that it's on the blog, I have to stick to it. *phew*

I'm hungry.

2005-10-03T19:19:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

Today wasn't a good day. I feel like this is probably the worst day so far in my experience. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, or maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but people have just been fucking morons today. I get up, go to the hospital for 6:30, and am met with a cold reception from my new team. Fair enough. So I go to teaching seminars...boring as hell, fine.

Then I go meet the team in the OR. No one acknowledges that I'm there. Okay, so these people don't give a shit I exist. Fine. So I walk over to the table, and this nurse starts being a total bitch - incredibly condescending, and obviously looking for a way to berate me. Fuck off. Don't get me wrong - some nurses are really nice. And there are others that are assholes. They are so standoffish, and they obviously derive pleasure out of making clerks feel stupid.

So then I decide to go and fill out post-op orders, like a good clerk does. It's good experience, and it shows that I'm making an effort. So I turn around, and am going to put the chart down, when I hear the scrub nurse and my consultant talking. And this isn't really an issue of eavesdropping, because this is the conversation in the room, with the senior and junior resident, and the nurses. And then I hear my consultant talking about medical students, and how "they think they know everything, so we have to bring them down a couple of notches". FUCK. OFF.

Everyday I have to see this man, I feel so fucking stupid, and I hate having to see him. I've never once thought I knew Jack Shit on this rotation. And maybe he's not talking about me, and they obviously didn't realise I was there...but come on. If it was the beginning of the rotation, I would think maybe it's not me...but this is near the end of the rotation, so it's hard to not take that personally. What has this fat-ass taught me? Nothing. I have been learning through residents and attempting to read on the 2 hours of free time I get a night.

I go put the chart back down, at which point the bitchy nurse tells me that I'm putting it in the wrong spot (fuck off). So I go put it on the other side of the room (giving it back to the anesthesiologist who didn't want it back), and leave, since it's clear I'm not wanted there. I go down to the other clinic where the really good consultant is. The day is interspersed with a couple of trips to the ward, where I'm met with "oh, you're a clerk" - fuck off - I've been here 3 weeks - I'm not an expert, but I'm not completely stupid, and I know my patients more than the residents. Clinic day ends, and we page the senior resident, who assumed we left for home already. Fuck off! Why would I just leave the hospital? And why did they not bother to call us to do rounds?

Geez...I can't decide if I'm upset or pissed off. My consultant is a fucking dick. And I can't say I'm impressed with today's first impressions. Even if I was interested in General Surgery (and I do really like surgical oncology), I would never do it here, with these assholes.

I hate clerkship. Today.

2005-09-30T22:17:00.000-04:00

This week, I began to get what I think I would describe as "paradigm moments". The moment in your medical training when you start to see patients in situations that really stick in your head, and really make you think about the kind of physician you want to be.

"I'm not sure, but his brother or his friend was pretty nice."

I heard these words, and immediately drew what would become a correct assumption on my part, one that was oblivious to my colleague. I filed that away in my head, not realising it would come back to me later in the emerg department.

I have decided not to come out to my residents. It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am. In fact, one resident asked if I was married, and I responded that my partner lived in another city. He didn't elaborate any further. It's funny, though: we talk about his fiancee, her husband, his wife. It's frustrating but expected to see heterosexism at work. It's a conservative specialty. Of course, I can't run the risk of my life being more difficult if someone has a problem with who I am. On the other hand, maybe they are avoiding asking because they're not sure how to approach the subject.

As we pulled the curtain to meet the patient, he sat up from his magazine. The resident introduced himself, and I, myself. We exchanged a glance - the kind of glance that carries with it no feelings, but just the mutual understanding - I am one, too. As the resident took the history, I could sense the patient covering his tracks: "my...friend noticed that I was under the weather". It turns out the patient was safe from the diagnoses we were there to rule-out. "It's probably just a viral infection.". "What do you mean by viral?" he replied. The resident didn't appreciate what he was really worried about. I could tell. Again, the glance. I was frozen. I wanted to pipe up, but it's not my place in that situation.

The diagnosis he was most worried about, HIV, is not high on the list...but I think that's something many of us are worried about. Propaganda, the media, public health, all effectively send us messages that we are at higher risk for contracting AIDS, be it because we deserved it, because we were unsafe, or because everyone else has it. I remember the first time a doctor put AIDS on my differential diagnosis. It was my motivation to come to medical school - one less asshole, ignorant doctor is going to be trained if I take that spot. I think it was better not to bring that particular virus up in the discussion.

As we walked back to the patient's chart, I thought about telling the resident my concerns about the patient, about checking on immunodeficiency symptoms, about the things we should investigate in this patient. I didn't say anything. Incidentally, the images were all clear - he was free to go. I remembered the statement of my colleague as we were filling out the consultation form, and I had to procure the patient's information. There it was: the emergency contact, with the same phone number as the patient.

"Relation to patient: friend".

2005-09-25T19:46:00.000-04:00

hmm...I thought I had another post on here, but I guess I didn't. Maybe I was thinking it in my head.

So it's been 2 weeks since clerkship started, and I'm starting to get the hang of this thing. I don't think that general surgery is for me, though. I just don't get excited about getting up at 5 AM to tease out whether someone has constipation (just farts), or obstipation (not even farts). The surgery part is kinda cool, though...it's neat being in the OR, seeing it all. I can definitely appreciate what gets people excited about it...just not me.

This weekend was the first time in the 2 weeks that I wasn't at the hospital for greater than 24 hours. It was nice! And now, I don't want to go back. It's not that I don't want to go, I guess...it's just part of clerkship: you have days when you think you know enough, and you get a couple of compliments, and you are just staying afloat. Then you walk into an OR, or your consultant asks you something, and you totally fuck it up...then it seems like the resident is disappointed in you, and then you question every drug order or patient profile you recite to the doctor. And then this back and forth cycles very rapidly, usually 1-2 times a day.

And it's the beginning...so I know they know we're very green at this, but it sucks not knowing stuff you probably should. It also sucks when it's the consultants who seem to be the most disappointed in you, since they never see you on the wards. In the beginning, the hardest part is trying to figure out what you need to be learning, what you need to know now, what you needed to know yesterday, and what you think you will be asked tomorrow...it's hard to explain. I guess I'll put it this way: there are 3 parts to Gen Surg: 1) The OR - you hold retractors and get grilled about anatomy. 2) The wards - you round in the morning and afternoon, and if you're on call, you visit people as needed. Here, you need to know acute patient care, like analgesia, antibiotics, admission histories, putting tubes into places that you wouldn't want one if you were lying in bed, that kind of stuff. 3) The Clinic - where people go to decide whether they need the OR. You need to know about the specific diseases they're presenting with, and the indications for surgery. Sometimes, you have all 3 in one day...so it's hard to play triage with what you need to learn. On one hand, I need to learn the surgical anatomy, because after this rotation, I've lost the best chance to learn it. On the other, I need to start learning about patient management, because that's so fundamental, and that won't be revisited each rotation.

Anyways, I guess I'm stalling. I should read up my year 1 notes on anatomy. It's still as fucking boring as it was 2 years ago...lol

night.

2005-09-14T03:36:00.000-04:00

On Call.

I think the consultant put it best when I told him that tonight was my first night on call. "Terrifying", he joked, as he continued with his suturing.

The first night on call for a clinical clerk is definitely a rite of passage. Up to this point, we, as medical students, are basically really good at reading textbooks and studying for exams. Sometimes, if we're lucky enough to be in groups of 7 or 8, we can come up with a decent differential diagnosis which may or may not include the disease sitting in front of us. And most hospital work is team-based, with the clerk at the bottom of the pole. But this gets turned upside-down when you're on call. As "first-call" (something relatively unique to the program at UWO), it is the clerk's responsibility to respond to most pages (with exception to clinical consults, for example, in the ER, in situations where it really would be beyond the scope of the clerk's ability). So, we get a pager, a list of common medications, and we're all set.

Okay, I'm being melodramatic, but there is definitely something cool about call. Once the nurse or ward-clerk pages you, you get to tell them you're 's consult/clerk. You get a problem, and then you get to think about what you'll do as you go to the bed. Then, you get there, look at the chart, talk to the nurses, and think about the next steps. Most of the time, especially early on, you call the junior resident for advice, and all orders have to get cleared by an MD, so patient care is well-maintained. And, then you go on your way knowing that you made a teeny-tiny bit of a difference, and played at least a small role in someone's care.

My first night on-call was pretty good. I did a lot of walking. My feet hurt - but my pride doesn't hurt one bit. It sounds like I'm full of myself, but we all feel this way at some point.

Now, the fact that I have to be up on the floor for rounds and service in 2 hours...that's another story.

2005-09-11T21:51:00.000-04:00

It all begins tomorrow at 7. I'm scared, but excited. It's like starting work, really - thank goodness for not having full-time classes!!

Incidentally, we saw Cat on a Hot Tin Roof last night - it was SO GOOD. I feel like it would be so different if Tenessee Williams wrote this today (and wasn't dead). The essence of the story is about the "mendacity" of society (the systematic use of lies and the way in which we uphold the status quo)...which is definitely relevant...just the examples therein are probably not as relevant right now. The best moment was during the curtain call when Cynthia Dale, Mrs Peter Mansbridge, looked our way. I wish I were cool enough to be her friend.

And, to celebrate Sept 11, I watched Fahrenheit 9/11. It seemed fitting. I think it's safe to say these people have died in vain. They were political pawns used to justify the maintenance of an oppressive regime which will continue, in the days and months to come, to strip all minorities of their dignities and rights. It's such a shame.

We really need to be asking ourselves, as non-Americans: why do we support them in any way? We should not be donating money to this country. We should not support their economy. It is time for them to learn to play by the rules. I, for one, am SICK of thier continued human rights abuses. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but we need to start the boycott and send a clear message: we don't need you. No one likes a bully.

2005-09-07T20:50:00.000-04:00

Orienteering without a compass.

This week marks orientation to Clerkship. It's like a band-aid being pulled S-L-O-W-L-Y. I say this because it seems like we're being given very little information. This week is just to prolong the inevitable freak-out we'll all have next week, when the clinical stuff begins. We've been getting brief introductions to policies, and some tasky things, like using the medical software, but much of this will be learned quickly in the first few days.

One interesting issue that comes up with a blog about clerkship is that of confidentiality. This isn't the place to learn about patient's experiences. That wouldn't be appropriate. This is more about the med student experience. When we apply to medical school, we really have no idea what we're getting into. We think we know. We picture the doctor giving a lolly to the little white girl with a cast on her leg, and everyone smiling. Some picture a big car, big house, stay-at-home wife. We picture a perfect medical system. It's not. We picture medical students being highly regarded and studying in big lofty american college dorms. It's more than that. Not everyone has what it takes to be here - and that's usually a reflection of their drive, not potiential. This is more a glimpse of the reality of what we do in the pursuit of our dream of dignitas.

I start next Monday in General Surgery. For now, it's life-maintenance time!

2005-08-09T22:36:00.000-04:00

4 Weeks to go...

In 4 short weeks, I'll be starting clerkship. It's the third year of med school, and it's when we FINALLY hit the wards. After 17 years of classes - 12 years to my diploma, 3 years to a degree, and 2 more of pre-clinical - I feel like I'm doing something with my life. Half-way to getting an MD.

Of course, I'm scared shitless.

If all goes well, I'm going to post as regularly as I can, of course, respecting patient confidentiality, but more a reflection of how the year goes...the ups...the downs. If they can make a dark comedy about internship, at least a blog about clerkship could be interesting.

Until next time.

2004-12-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness that Stephen Lewis and the thousands of passionate ASO workers have made this World AIDS Day about people who have been far-too neglected in this disease: women. As any good feminist knows, it's hard enough being a woman, let alone a woman of colour, and a woman committed to pleasing her (usually male in this case) partner. The stories of these women are both heartbreaking, and inspiring: if I had half the courage of these women, I would be a better person for it.

I was impressed at the medical school that students do take this seriously, and are passionate about this issue. It gives me some hope that future physicians and health advocates will continue the fight for minority health issues.

While listening to reports on CBC radio, however, I was a bit surprised that an advertisement for Canadian Blood Services came on. It got me thinking about how now, more than ever before, AIDS truly has no face, gender, race, or sexual orientation. The communities originally hit are still suffering, and new demographics are always being added. And yet, this essential gift of blood and blood products is still marred by a discriminatory system which prohibits certain individuals from donating. With testing being as good as it is (and it is really good), and with AIDS being increasingly rampant, isn't it time that we learn to live with this disease, instead of segregating? I say it's high-time CBS realises this and allows all people to donate blood. Goodness knows I would donate in a second, and I would bring my HIV- test results from each 6 months in the past 3 years to prove it.

2004-11-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

Feeling the Rage

Listening to: A Moment Like This, Kelly Clarkson.

So, apologies to everyone for not posting. I know, I'm an ass. All I can say is that classes are hard, especially when you're flying across the continent the weekend in between exams. Now that things are settling down for about 2 days, I thought I'd post.

Part of my silence has not been passive. I could have written about Bush's tyrranical rule for another 4 years. I could have written about how several states rescinded equality among same-sex couples. I could have written most recently about how Bush's aristocracy, err, administration has accepted the resignation of the only hope for peace. I could have also written about how Bush has already passed more of his anti-choice legislation.

I said nothing on this site, and for that I am sorry.

I have most definitely been involved in the discourse, and talking with many. I feel that I did not want my posts to be among the many, to be lost in a sea of uninteligent "Bush sucks. America Sucks. Canada sucks, and everyone is stupid". These issues are incredibly complex and require lots of thought. We have an uphill battle ahead over the next 4 years, and we need to organise our arsenal.

The exciting thing is that the revolution is coming. It is not a revolution of violence, or "terrorism" (I sure hope). It is a revolution of ideas. Common sense and equality will someday prevail.

Solidarity Forever.
More posts soon!

2004-09-24T13:20:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Nova Scotia!

Today, September 24, 2004, Nova Scotia became the 6th jurisdiction (behind, chronologically: Ontario, BC, Quebec, Yukon, and Manitoba) to legally recognise and allow for same sex marriage in our country. Showing that responsible government does still exist, Nova Scotia has decided not to appeal the decision, which would be a waste of tax dollars to support the voice of a small narrow-minded conservative Conservative (small and big C) population which, in my opinion, has no place here.

It is nice to see that in Canada, a majority of Canadians have local access to same-sex marriage registration. Contrast this with the patriarchal paternalistic hateful administration to the South, and we realise just how lucky we are.

To be perfectly honest, I try to be very non-judgmental towards those with staunch religious beliefs. For those who do, allow me to be candid: the voices representing you are hurting your cause, not helping. The Religious Right is getting really desperate, and they're losing, and they know it. This fact, in many ways, actually has me scared. We saw what they did when they started losing the abortion war: violence and murder. I shudder to think of what horrible events will unfold now that they are losing this battle.

I know my statements are harsh. Evidence-based medicine suggests that the best predictor for future behaviour is past behaviour. Prove me wrong. Support human rights. Stand up and support these decisions. And for the rest of you, don't let a day go by without being thankful for the gains we make each and every day. That way, you'll never let them be taken away, no matter how many elections you buy.

2004-09-03T22:55:00.000-04:00

Apologies to all.

This summer has been filled with lots of small tasks which, combined, made for a very busy time. With school starting up again, so will my blogging on this site. Look for more rants in the search for equality for all disenfranchised coming soon!

D.

2004-07-22T23:37:00.000-04:00

(For more information, consult the following URL: http://www.advocate.com/new_news.asp?ID=13192&sd=07/23/04, as well as www.hrc.org )

‘Congress today was sent a historic message to focus on terrorism and it focused on discrimination instead,’ said HRC President Cheryl Jacques.

Enough is enough. Today, in the wake of the 9/11 report, and deterring voters from the fact that the Democrats are edging ahead of the GOP, the House of Representatives passed, 233 to 194, the Marriage Protection Act. This act, which has yet to be passed in the Senate (which, unlike in Canada, actually does stop bills from being ratified), would prohibit federal courts from having the jurisdiction to overturn laws which restrict the definition of marriage to heterosexual couples. This law is precedent setting, as it is one of the first which restricts, through legislation, the abilities of federal courts to interpret certain laws, and borders on unconstitutional.

Today was a day in which the failings of the US government have never been more apparent. It is clear the war in Iraq is unjustified. It is clear the government is incapable of protecting civilians from what they call terrorism. And now, it is clear that the government actively oppresses its own people, and this has a majority support among political leaders.

Further to this, neither presidential candidate will endorse same-sex marriage, even though marriage is a right and not a privilege. Since 1995, the ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) has been considered, and never passed, which means that it remains legal for employers to discriminate on the basis of many things, including sexual orientation. Even in 1998, when the Matthew Shepard tragedy brought the ENDA back into the spotlight, nothing changed.

We, as Canadians, members of equality seeking movements, or allies thereof, must stop sitting idly by while this continues. If it's not the government showing its hatred of people, or faking wars, they're manipulating international laws (think softwood lumber).

As of now, I emplore you to seriously consider your consumption of American goods and services, as well as travel to the United States. As the US' largest trading partner, our dollar goes a long way. Do you feel it is appropriate to support these ideologies? I don't.

I know most of you won't do anything about it. Most of you will ignore it...but at least think about it. I, for one, am sick of it. I hope others start getting fed up and do something about it, too.

2004-07-14T12:42:00.000-04:00

We've all been there, whether we were of age of majority or not, whether we were there to dance, or to drink. Of course, I'm talking about the gay bar. Have you ever noticed the number of people either sitting outside of the bar, or in the bar (by-laws permitting) lighting up? Does it ever seem like a large number to you?

If so, you're very astute in your observations. Previous research has suggested for a while now that gay men and lesbians are more likely to smoke than their heterosexual counterparts. Recent studies have suggested that these trends begin in adolescence. A recent study in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Health has shown that, in adolescence, lesbian and bisexual women are 9.7 times more likely than the baseline (heterosexual boys and girls) to use tobacco on a weekly basis. The same study suggests that gay and bisexual men are less likely to smoke in adolescence, but previous research suggests that, in adulthood, this discrepancy no longer exists.

Why is this? For starters, LGBTQ groups have often been targeted by alcohol and tobacco companies as fringe markets. Many in the community see these campaigns as attempts by companies to demonstrate their queer-friendliness. What they fail to see is what these corporations are after: profit. Secondly, many queer people (especially adolescents) face higher levels of anxiety and stress, as well as other mental health issues. For some, smoking may be a means to cope with such difficulties. Thirdly, like begets like: as queer culture continues to revolve around the use of substances such as alochol, tobacco, and other controlled substances, those growing up and seeking comfort in the community will often emulate their peers, and a new substance-user is born.

As members of the queer community at large, we should not accept these figures as fact, but, rather, we must stand up against them. We must protect the health and well-being of our peers.

Some facts about smoking:

* It is more addictive than most illicit drugs

* You are more likely to die of heart disease than cancer if you smoke. Even when controlling for lifestyle factors (sedentary life, diet, etc), smoking still kills more due to heart disease than the many cancers which smoking causes.

* Diseases secondary to smoking, such as emphysema, are not truly reversible diseases. While some improve their symptoms after they quit smoking, and while many find relief with regular inhaled drug use, these diseases are not completely cured, but rather only treated.

* Smoking is habit-forming, as well as chemical-dependence-forming. It is often hard to quit not only because people develop nicotine cravings, but also because most people have routines which include cigarette smoking.

* The cancer causing agents in cigarette smoke - PCH's (poly-cyclic hydrocarbons: think scary organic chemistry diagrams) - are found in all types of smoke. Pot, cigars, pipes, and "natural cigarettes" all contain the same chemicals and can cause problems in the long-run.

If you are thinking about quitting smoking:

* Pick a good time to do it. If not now, do it when you're ready
* If all you can do is cut back for now, then do that much.
* Smokes are often associated with specific routines (meals, breaks, morning coffee). Modify your daily routine.
* Nicotine is an appetite suppressant. If you feel the hunger kicking, try healthy snacks.

Don't be a part of the statistic, and don't give in to corporate profit at the expense of your health. You deserve better than that.

2004-07-06T22:41:00.000-04:00

Hey folks,

After some time posting about my life and the people therein, I've decided to change the format of this blog slightly. You will be able to find my personal bloggings on another site: coming soon.

I've realised over the past year that sometimes we accept the state of affairs as fact, and don't necessarily challenge it, or seek to make change. That, to me, is not acceptable. From now on, this is going to be a forum of free thought, grounded in fact, in our continuing efforts as radicals and effectors of change to question the world around us.

Hopefully, with this blog, you will see some formatting changes coming over the next few weeks...when I get some time.

Until then, peace and love.
Dustin.

2004-07-06T13:15:00.000-04:00

And now the beginning of the rest of my summer... (dramatic?)

It's hard to believe that an entire month has passed in my summer "holidays". I guess one of the benefits of medical school is that, while most university students are half-done their summer, I'm only 1/3 done. Unfortunately, that's because my summer is shorter. 8 weeks left...better make it count.

It's fun to see what other people are up to...it seems that there are people all around me who are about to embark on pretty interesting things...whether it's starting careers (go residence management - my backup career); moving to new and exciting cities - either for school, or new career opportunities; new degrees - be they professional or graduate; or maybe just realising that they need a new direction in life. It always makes me take a step back and think about whether I'm on the right track or not. Sometimes I think about taking a year off to do a Masters or something...maybe I rushed into med school. Or maybe this is exactly what I need to do, and wait for those opportunities to come along in good time.

Or, maybe I should just get to work. That's right folks, after a relaxing weekend, it's back to work for me...this time the research project. It's a lot of work, but it will be worth it, I'm sure, in the end. I think it's that I love doing everything, so I get new ideas in my head that sound cool. And this project is cool...my goal is three publications (even if one is in CMAJ) by 2007. I think it can happen.

Anyhoo, I need to stop stalling and get to work.

2004-06-25T12:40:00.000-04:00

I was sitting at Starbucks this morning (sometimes it’s nice finding out at the last minute that you got the morning off of work), sipping on my Venti Tazo Chai Tea, typing away on an ethics review board submission, listening to Ani Difranco, when I remembered that this weekend is indeed Pride in Toronto. Of course, purists would tell me that pride has been going on all week, and that this weekend is merely the culmination of these events…and, I, for one, am one of those purists.

I’ve never been to Pride, but rather only to pride events (note the use of capitalization to denote the commercialized Pride Sunday™ in cities such as Toronto). The closest thing to Pride that I have ever attended was a pride picnic in Guelph a few weeks back. Sunshine, folk music, lesbians, and crafts – that makes me proud.

My avoidance of Pride has been an active decision on my part. This is not to say that I do not support the efforts of queer people and the community. Far from it, in fact. However, I do not believe that Pride is, in fact, an event to be proud of.

In June 1968, on an evening which followed the death of Judy Garland, a group of people sat at their local bar and drank in her honour. Some danced. Some smoked in silence. On that evening, one not unlike others at that time, the New York City Police, despite receiving numerous kick-backs as “insurance”, was raided for liquor violations: namely the serving of alcohol to homosexuals. It was at this point, as the cherry-red lights shone in the bar – to signal the arrival of the police, and to signal to the patrons that it was time to switch dance partners to opposite-sex pairings – that a group of individuals decided to no longer be ashamed. This group of predominantly black drag queens and people of lower income decided to fight back, thus beginning a series of riots in NYC which would become known as the Stonewall Riots. As news of this resistance travelled across the country, similar acts of defiance appeared in cities such as San Francisco.

The following year, then Minister of Justice Pierre Elliot Trudeau made his famed statement that the “state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation”, and thus decriminalised ‘homosexuality’.

The further efforts of the grassroots radicals, as well as radical allies lead to major changes in social and political policy over the next 30 years, and included the delisting of homosexuality from the DSM – the compendium of mental disorders, protection under the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms for gays and lesbians as of 1992, and, recently, the legalisation of same-sex marriages in a handful of countries in the world.

Today, the meaning of pride has taken on two forms. Firstly, there is the classic form of pride – the refusal to be silenced, to be marginalized, and to be harmed. This is the form to which I subscribe, whereby queers hold rallies demanding respect, form communities for those who feel defeated, effect change in the lives of others through the grassroots as at the institutional level, who question the status quo: who fight to maintain and improve the quality of life for all. Secondly, there exists Pride. In recent years, pride has become for-profit. These profits do not benefit the queer community, but rather corporations, most of whom are headed by the classic WHM (white heterosexual male). Pride is not an event of visibility, but rather renders its participants invisible under a cloud of advertisement and profiteering.

I’m sure I’m going to be offending many people, as most of my rants seem to do, but I do not mean to do so. My arguments here are simple. While you may view Pride as a giant party where the prospect of finding a partner exists, do not be mislead: it has NOTHING to do with being proud of your sexuality. Not anymore. If you are truly proud, make sure that, despite all hangover, you vote on Monday. If you are truly proud, volunteer for a service organisation in your community. If you are truly proud, make your own revolution, even if it’s only a revolution for one or two people. If you are proud, refuse to be ashamed of who you are – but always remember your safety comes first, and not coming out at every opportunity is a valid option. If you are proud, be grateful for who you are and remember the places where you have been.

If you are proud – never stop fighting.

2004-06-23T18:55:00.000-04:00

You know, sometimes I think we all wonder about whether or not we should keep blogging. I know this is something that has been in the limelight in my eyes in the last few days.

First of all, there is always the issue of having personal opinions expressed in the public forum, even though the intended audience is generally people for whom there is less than three degrees of separation. Sometimes we have bad days, or use language that appears strong to others when really it's our way of communicating. And sometimes we wonder what people do with the information they read here. Will they make our lives more difficult because of it? Will there be ramifications in other areas of my life because of a stupid web journal? Should I be censoring what I have to say?

Secondly, what happens when people surf away from my page? Does the discourse end here? I always made the egregious assumption that it did, but clearly it doesn't. I don't put a lot of thought into my posts and comments, because I don't back down from what I believe, and I don't feel I have to defend what I say. That being said - it's just words. I do have a (very active) life away from this blog, and sometimes I wonder if readers know that. I do have a very personal life, I have personal space, I have personal thoughts I do not post here. I also am very involved in this world, because I don't think that words are enough in a free and democratic society. I would hate to think that people felt my opinions were unfounded, uneducated, and self-serving. Sure, they're my thoughts, clouded by my biases, but there is some grain of truth to back them up.

Anyways, that's just me. If you're reading this, make sure that you have something to go home to once you disconnect for the night. Make a difference in the life of someone else. Live your life.

2004-06-20T20:02:00.000-04:00

It seems like only a few days ago that my family van was waiting patiently in P31 at the University of Guelph, waiting for 8:30 to come – when residence move-in would begin, and I would begin my career as a university student. It was a cloudy day, it rained periodically – it was a day not unlike today.

At the risk of being dramatic, that day, September 3rd, 2000, marked the beginning of something wonderful – a new slate, a new chapter, a new life. It was on that day that I decided that I would no longer live the secrets of my past. It was that day that I decided that I would be in control of my emotions, and the situations in which I found myself. It was on that day that I discovered that Guelph was a “dyke school”, as told to me by another of the U of G’s most junior family members. I also realized that this was a place where I could find the one thing I was missing for a long time: happiness.

Today that book has been closed. At 11:20 this morning, by the power vested in Chancellor Lincoln Alexander, by the Senate of the University of Guelph, the degree of Bachelor of Science, Biological Science, was conferred unto me. It’s a nice feeling. In some ways, I don’t mind that my degree is not an honours degree (I guess in 3 years, even this degree won’t seem so impressive compared to other letters after my name). The fact of the matter is that the things that I learned in my time at the University of Guelph, predominantly those things outside of lectures, will provide me with more knowledge than any Doctor of Philosophy ever could.

At Guelph, I learned that you must be proud of who you are. I learned that you must stand up for what you believe in, and never be afraid to fight for your rights, and the rights of those around you. I learned to be honest with my family. I learned that the U of G is indeed a dyke school, and I am one, too. I learned that you are never alone, and that there ARE other people with the same belief systems, and the drive to effect positive change in other lives, as you. I learned that I love residence life, I love being on call, I love vegetarianism, I love activism, I love women, I love science, I love meeting people through the internet, and I love philosophy. I also learned that I hate being cheated on, I hate mono, I hate pretentious Torontonians with strings attached to daddy’s bottomless wallet, I hate wannabe politicos who do so only for personal gains, I hate the Conservative Party of Canada, I hate hate crimes, especially when directed to me, and I hate apathy. I learned to dream big, and to always keep a full plate. Most importantly, I learned to reach out to your friends when that plate comes crashing down.

I will never forget the time that I have spent in Guelph. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for this experience, and not thankful for all of the wonderful people who have come into my life as a result of my time spent there. Guelph will always be home to me, and maybe some day it will be home for my family – only time will tell. As my time here draws to a close, I look back with the knowledge that my life is forever changed, and I have grown (massive weight-loss, notwithstanding). One thing is for certain: every change that I owe to the University of Guelph has been for the better.

Thank you.

2004-06-16T18:16:00.000-04:00

I feel like I get inundated with questions of a medical sort...so if there is something that you would like me to discuss on this site - a non-professional medical opinion, comment here or e-mail me to let me know...if I have time, I'll look it up and offer my two cents - dieting, depression, mono, diabetes, let me know.

*this is me trying to find new posting ideas!*

2004-06-15T17:56:00.000-04:00

What to write about...what to write about...

Well, things are going pretty well so far in Guelph. I feel like the days are very long, and I am not really relaxing at all...part of it is the fact that it's hard to relax...the other part is that, once I'm done work, I feel like I have to check up on my own patients, and e-mails, and the like...so it's often not until after 10-11 that I'm home trying to calm down before bed before another day (and so on).

I think this is going to be a good summer, but also a very productive one. That being said, I still am just not feeling it all right now. I was once told that if you do what you love you will never work a day in your life...but this feels like work, you know? It feels like work being a medical student, and always trying to learn new things conveying to patients that I have some semblance of knowing what I'm doing. Then there is the research project, which is just scaring me everytime I start to work on it. Then there is being involved in other various organisations, and it's finding the time to sit down and do the work...oy vey.

Anyways, I shouldn't bitch (too late). I'm still one lucky SOB (and that doesn't mean Shortness of Breath)

2004-06-12T20:27:00.000-04:00

I'm just having one of those days again...

You know, the days when you take a step back, and then jump right back on because you feel like you're wasting time by taking a step back when you should be getting things done because you've taken on too much and now that you've made this bed of electives and research and activism and volunteering and living in a house that smells kinda ripe, has very few working lights, and no phone line or internet, and a squeaky bed - you have to lie in it for far too few hours of sleep. No wait, that's not the case - you're sleeping too much either from not enough caffeine or because your body has had enough *deep breath*.

With the crap with my car, and feeling a bit guilty for not spending enough time with the family, and because the thought of some time with my almost-2-year-old nephew was nice, I got in the car yesterday and drove...to Ottawa. Didn't exactly think it through completely...oh well.

Time home is nice, but I'm definitely feeling like I'm taking on too much, and that scares me because this is the summer, and I should be relaxing. But I'm pretty sure that this is just a transient feeling...maybe it's just indigestion...and once that passes, I'll be good to go.

PS - A vote for the Conservative Party is a vote against women, people of colour, queer people, the poor, the disAbled, and subsequently anyone who is close to one of the aforementioned...this is fucking scary that this party may win. PLEASE - for the love of all - if you were considering not voting, think again. We NEED the votes of the non-white-heterosexual-males: the voters who don't normally hit the polls - if we want to save our rights.

2004-06-08T19:39:00.000-04:00

I am a Terrorist

Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

2004-06-08T19:19:00.000-04:00

It seems that the posts get farther and farther (or is it further? I never know which is more correct) apart. That's not for lack of things to report on, but rather because I can't access the internet from the office, or home - so I'm restricted to a couple of hours after work and before the library closes - which is all too early, IMO.

So, I'm in Guelph right now...spending some time doing an elective with a family physician. It's pretty neat that I have these opportunities...time in the private practice, time in the hospital, taking histories, BP, HR, Temp, physical exams, etc...it's kinda neat.

Some things that I am learning:

1) The family doctor crisis really is a crisis in the eyes of the public. That being said, people in the health care profession are truly working hard to alleviate this. It's important that people understand, however, that we didn't start this problem, and that it's not an issue of medical professionals being lazy or greedy...we're getting by, and, while it may get worse, it WILL get better.

2) I can't get over how many people come to the doctor with hypertension (high blood pressure), overweight/obesity (all ages), and Diabetes (adult-onset). Yes, there are some people who have pre-dispositions to these diseases...but we NEED to realise that these are mainly PREVENTABLE LIFESTYLE-RELATED DISEASES. The drugs we have are decent, but are only so effective...for goodness sake - diet, exercise, be active, watch your fast-food and refined sugar intake, and don't put it off!

3) I do to freaking much...

Anyhoo, lots of things happening, no time for them to happen...as a great person once said - until more later.

2004-06-03T20:49:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting week...and by that, I mean draining and somewhat frustrating.

Friday was supposed to be a night of fun with the class to celebrate the end of exams. Needless to say, I ended up feeling quite poorly, and didn't really get a chance to hang with them. Then, Saturday morning, I was surprised to find that some ne'er-do-wells tried to break into my car, and damaged both of the locks, which will require a police report, a meeting with the building manager, an insurance claim, and 3 days in a body shop. That really sucks, no matter who that would happen to. I'm in this position where I can't decide whether it's a targeted vandalism, or if it's just a matter of luck, and it sucks that I think like that, but I can't help it. Apparently, even some of my blog readers seem to think that what I have to say and what I believe in has no grounding...perhaps they don't really understand my perspective in the first place, perhaps they're applying a simplistic lens to a complicated problem (that goes for the general group of people with a semblance of hostility towards me).

I dunno...guess I'm just tired...feeling like so much is happening right now, which is ironic since "vacation" starts tomorrow...and by vacation, I mean research projects, electives, moving, and regular organisational tasks. I just sometimes wish I had more people on my side backing me up (and no, I'm not fishing)

2004-05-27T12:09:00.000-04:00

Almost done exams...almost done first year medicine...almost 1/4 of an M.D. That's like getting the M!

It's been a pretty crazy year. So much drama. Thankfully, not really in my own life. I mean, there have been ups and downs, and periods of higher and lower stress, but that's to be expected in this line of work, right? One lesson that I am taking away is to not give medical students the benefit of the doubt: yes, there are some really amazing people here, but most of them aren't...

This summer is going to be interesting...all 12 weeks of it. I'm going to be doing a family medicine elective for 4 weeks, which should be good. I was kinda hoping that the doc was going to do some obstetrics, but he doesn't do that - only ER. Maybe I can still see a birth...After the elective, it's back to London to work on part one of my research project. I think this is the more boring of the two summers of the project, but that's okay...I'm looking out for some decent results and a few publications under my belt.

That, and there are a few trips that I'll be taking during the summer - moreso for conference season...it'll be pretty neat...slowly but steadily I'm going to see more and more american cities.

Then, before you know it, it's back to school...and they say 2nd year is the most dense (3rd year is the hardest on the body)...hopefully I get to sleep at least a little bit...

speaking of which...i need a nap...then studying for the anatomy practical.

2004-05-24T11:43:00.000-04:00

I don't know if it's the anal-retentive part of me, or the hopeless romantic (since I don't think I'm actually one of the latter, it's probably the former), but I always prefer even numbers. I like that my birthday is May 24th, and I like that, once again, my age is an even number...22...still sounds kinda funny to me.

This weekend has been pretty good, considering exams start tomorrow. Friday included a lovely visit with my parents and the boy (my boy, not the nephew), which spilled over into parts of the rest of the weekend. It's always nice to see my family, as I don't get to do it all that often (though I know it's more than a lot of my friends and readers). I've always been somewhat of an independent person, probably the result of my upbringing: the decisions to fast-track high school, move to Guelph, finish there early, come to London, be a doctor, get super-involved in too many activities have largely been my own (my parents wanted me to play more sports, but I think, now that I'm not as chubby, and I'm going to be a doctor, they can live with that). I'm certainly not complaining, but I do see myself as being very different from my brother in that respect - I don't really ask much from my family, and I don't expect much, either. I mean, they're family. I love them, and vice versa...but I can be 700 kms away and know that everything will be fine.

I guess I need to at least consider Ottawa for my residency, though, or else my mother will kill me. I suppose that's fair...but I'm NOT living at home with 2 retired parents and a long-since retired grandmother! I'll keep the crippling debt load, thanks.

Anyhoo, my 22nd year on Earth was pretty darn sweet, if I say so myself, and it looks like my 23rd will only be better. Happy 22nd B-day to me :)

2004-05-18T14:45:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Maroon 5, Queen, and Britney

What a week, and it's only Tuesday. Like many things in my life, it seems that nothing just happens, but rather the positives have to show up along with the negatives. Thankfully for yours truly, many of the positives seem to be coming my way, leaving me to assist with the negatives that are affecting those close to me (of course, they also affect me...but I guess my positives don't affect them as much - so I internalise my happiness and focus on the others, and I don't mind, really...no, really, I don't. Honest).

Regardless, I have heard the news I've been waiting for fo about three weeks now, and I've been elected to a very important position within an organisation that I have realised I have to fight for - women's sexual and reproductive health. I don't know what it is...I think I'm just trying to find my niche. I'm obviously not giving up on the queer rights activism...sometimes it just seems like I've made big contributions to that area, and perhaps I need to find other equality-seeking movements who need my time and energy, too.

I know I'm being somewhat vague about all of this, and I don't mean to be rude...it's just that this particular organisation likes to keep things on the d/l sometimes, in order to protect the safety of its membership, in particular among U.S citizens, where the fight for women has come under attack, both with words and with violence.

That being said, no matter how much I find myself getting stressed, I'm one hell of a lucky guy. I have a partner who loves me and whom I love a great deal. I'm in medical school, the culmination of 3 arduous undergraduate years, and the realisation of a long-term life goal. I hold three positions of moderate authority in three very different areas for next year to keep me busy, but also to keep me focused on my personal goals within medicine (it has become clear to me over the past year that this is still a frustratingly patriarchal institution full of very selfish people concerned more about themselves than the greater goal of being a healer within a society). I'm in good health. I have never felt more alive, and never had I felt more motivation to keep on pushing forward (not something I can say for all periods in my life). I guess I say this because I know that a lot of people with whom I am close and whom I care for who have had difficult years, be they long-standing personal issues, or a drama mini-series. And I don't say this to be spiteful or to gloat. I just hope those people know that I'm here for them, and I don't know if there is anything that is going to change where I am in my life. No matter what happens from here, I guess it's all part of a plan that is beyond our control - so do your best and enjoy the ride!

2004-05-12T11:04:00.000-04:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

No, it's not. It's that most stressful time of the year, in fact. For some reason, mid-to-end May is always a high-stress time of year. 9 years ago, it was the time that I came out to myself; it's the birthday time of year (and the associated nostalgia); it used to be the time of year that Students' Council elections would run (and I ended up running those when I was in grade 12); it's the time of year I ended my first relationship; it starts getting hot...

And then this year: one set of elections are done, and I'm supposed to find out Friday if the other position for which I ran is mine, or if it went to Mac or Queen's (I think I got Dal's vote...); exams are in a week and a half, and it's been very hard trying to study; it's going up to freaking 28 today, which means probably about 35 in London with the humidity; and there are always little things that need to be done.

Sometimes things just need to stop, so that I can clean, write my lists, sleep, and then hit the ground running.

2004-05-09T21:57:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Without You, performed by Mariah Carey

It seems like a lot of things are chaging in this world. I said it at the beginning of this year, that I was going to be one of those experiencing the change.

People who know me probably know that I have had a lot of weight issues over the years. I was always the fat kid in my class (among other token labels to which I was affixed). Some of that stems from the fact that I have a compulsive personality, and a tendency to binge eat when upset or depressed. As such, it is no surprise that, when I graduated from high school, I weighed 240 lbs, and at the beginning of university, I bought my first and (thankfully) only pair of size 42 pants. Then mono came in and I lost 70 lbs in 4 months - not exactly the best way to do things.

Through no ill-intent, I found myself steadily gaining the weight back over my undergraduate career, and topping off at 220 January 1st of this year. I don't know how I did it, I know it didn't help living with a horrible landlady who, by virtue of being completely inhospitable, drove me to eating out for a semester, combined with a love of Burger King...but somehow I was approaching that weight again, and this time I decided to do something about it.

I didn't want to go through my program on here until I was done, and now I am. I've gone from being a 2XL (in the past) to a Small. I am now happily wearing 32 jeans, with some size 30 shorts in my closet. I feel good about myself. I even got called skinny the other day!

For the first month, I tried the Slim-Fast diet, a.k.a the I-hate-my-life-now diet. It's freaking hard to follow that because all your favourite food is out, and you're hungry all the time. It worked a little. I lost 15 pounds on it. Then I decided that I needed something else. I looked into Weight Watchers, but it just wasn't for me. Weight loss is too personal for me, so groups are intimidating.

After some searching, I found Herbal Magic. It's worked great for me. In 12 weeks, I lost the rest of the weight that I wanted, and learned how to eat well. Even being a vegetarian hasn't impeded my ability to follow the plan well. What is also good is that I go in 3 times a week, get one-on-one counselling, and you build a rapport with the people there, who understand that it's an uphill battle, and that you're trying your best.

I'm not trying to advocate one plan over another, because I have good friends on WW, and it's working wonderfully. This worked for me.

I think being on an official diet, and learning to do all of this has taught me a lot about myself, about trying your best, and about knowing that I'm not alone in this fight. I truly feel that, among my many accomplishments, this is one that I am most proud of.

Newer pictures to come soon!

2004-05-07T08:17:00.000-04:00

Well, I did it.

I finally won an election!

This may not seem like a big deal to some people, and, well, it isn't that much, to me. The only thing is that I've never actually won an election of my peers. Sure, I've been acclaimed, and I've been offered jobs and positions and what-not, as the result of being in a competition for a limited number of spaces, but I've never won an election before. I was second-place in Students' Council President, Second Place for Valedictorian, Second place...well, you get the idea.

So I'm one of the Merrymakers next year, which means I'm in charge of putting together our class skit for Tachycardia, our Medical School Talent/Performance Art show, for us, by us. It will be way awesome.

Of course, I didn't get the second position for which I am running, but I found out that I can become a student rep on the ssOMA anyways, without the title, so I'm happy. And, furthermore, I have yet to hear about the RC position for which I am running. I think that's the one that I want the most, but there are two other candidates, and only 12 universities tops voting for the position. I know I have Western's vote! Woo hoo!

That's it for now. Time for class.

2004-05-05T12:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it is good to sleep in on a Wednesday, especially when your water isn't shut off at 8AM, and they seem to be keeping the outside construction noise to a minimum. I'm sure that I shouldn't have slept in until 10:30, but it's too late to complain now.

Things are gearing up to be a busy month. Class council elections are tomorrow, and I'm running for two positions. Well, really one, and another which doesn't actually change the amount of stuff that I'm doing on the side. Then I find out about other positions for which I am running by May 14, then exams May 25, and a birthday somewhere around there.

Incidentally, I have something important to say: Last I checked, Canadians have the right to free speech using all peaceful forms of communication, including the Internet, provided that the material is not offensive or precludes certain groups of people. If there are individuals out there who feel that it is appropriate to sabotage someone's career aspirations because they don't like what they read, I have a few words for them.

Should someone be successful in any attempt at inhibiting one's right to employment, for reasons other than calling into question one's age (i.e. a person is not within the ages of 18-65), or any prior criminal acts for which a pardon has not been granted, he or she is liable for criminal charges under the Ontario Human Rights Code.

Don't mess with the Boyfriend of a staunch Union Supporter.

PS - I really liked Marci Ien's shirt on CTV NewsNet today - I think it was RW and Co or something!

PPS - I hate myself for being THAT boyfriend, but happy 11 monthiversary! Who would have thought...

2004-04-28T19:10:00.000-04:00

Missing: April.

If found, please contact me at the address shown below.

Somehow, I seem to have misplaced a month. I know this is kind of embarrassing, but I don't know where I put it. I had it at the beginning, but all the sudden I'm looking around, and I don't know what I did with it. Somehow, May is just around the corner, and that means one thing: I'm fucked. Exams are in 3.5 weeks or so, and, as usual, so much has to happen before that. All good things, of course, it just feels like a lot has to happen.

Let's see...the weekend, then a presentation to the pre-clerks on Sexual Orientation issues on Tuesday, oh, I'm in Toronto on Sunday night/Monday for "Doctor Day" at Queen's Park, then I think that's about it until exams. Oh, wait...that whole ethics approval of my project, and maybe studying? Yeah, no idea what that is.

Fuck.

I always say I won't procrastinate, and here we are.

2004-04-25T16:01:00.000-04:00

What a crazy week it has been!

Sorry to all for not posting earlier. The past week has been nothing short of phenomenal. At the same time, it's been nothing short of exhausting!

We left for New Orleans at 1 AM on Friday morning, getting into Detroit Airport at about 4 AM (by the time you park on the "big blue parking deck" and take a shuttle to the right terminal - incidentally, DTW is a freaking busy airport!). The others got on their flight at 6:30, and I had to wait around until about 9 (I don't even remember now!). Then a stop at the George Bush Intercontinental Airport at Houston (can we come up with a name that makes this man's penis sound even larger? WTF! Intercontinental? No Shit. You and most other major North American Airports, dumbass). It felt nice walking around the airport named after the father or modern day nepotism with my pride patch, canadian flag patch, and MSFC button adorning my bag.

So we hit New Orleans downtown around 1:30 CDT, and tried to unpack. Having not slept, I was in a bitchy mood, and was actually expecting things to be more lame. When we got out to the French Quarter Festival, I was blown away. The music was amazing, I was drinking a Daquiri on the street (though I didn't really advertise my excitement about that fact), and listening to some fun music - even one group was Canadian!). Needless to say, we dinnered it up, and walked around at night...rather drunk, and rather tired, three of us shared a double bed, and I didn't moev until morning and the start of the conference.

The conference absolutely blew me away. It was so refreshing to be around so many like-minded individuals. I find that medical school, like many institutions, still holds on to the status quo, and I find that particularly frustrating, as someone who is not in medicine for the money, but rather to help the disenfranchised (I think that's my fave word for 2004). Very inspiring, the people were fascinating and very personable (I met a lot of fabulous people!), and I'm now motivated to take on a greater role within the organisation.

The second conference, which immediately followed, was also nice. It wasn't as amazing as the first (partly because it wasn't really geared towards med students), but it reminded me that there was a fight still to be fought. Highlight of the conferences: when an activist said that it was refreshing to see the spirit of the 60's still alive in people, and that it reminded her of when she started out on this crazy journey.

The people in New Orleans are also amazing, I befriended a few locals, too...just really neat people, also very politically minded (as an aside, even one of the cab drivers was talking to us about how he's so Anti-bush...and we're sitting in Texas' neighbour to the East!). Yeah, maybe I should have slept more, but that's okay.

THEN, getting back to London at 2AM wednesday morning...only to have Tachycardia starting on Thursday night. The shows were pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. Last night was particularly fun, and I had a lot of people come up to me afterwards to congratulate me (and all I had to do was show them my ass). So that was nice

And now it's Sunday, and I have SO much to do. I've been good at organizing my notes this morning. Now I'm finishing an application due tomorrow, then I'm going to make some dinner, then I'm going to make sure my PDA is up to date, and then I'm going to start studying in some capacity.

*phew*

2004-04-15T21:17:00.000-04:00

I am officially on vacation until Wednesday.

I know, I'm a spoiled brat. But let's all keep in mind that this is the only vacation I'm getting in 2004 with exception to Civic Holiday weekend, Labour Day, Thanksgiving weekend, and 2 weeks at home for the winter holidays. I have NO summer!

Anyhoo, in case peeps wonder where I am, I am safe and sound (this conference is tight security!!), I will not be checking my e-mail (in accordance with the Vacation Act, 2004), and will have a cell phone for emergencies.

Much love and hugs to all those finishing their undergraduate careers this week, to those finishing exams, to those working hard to make this world a better place - even at the expense of their own comfort levels and personal time, to those frantically writing papers, to those still in class, and to anyone else who reads my blog on a semi-regular basis (okay, and newbies, too).

*muah*

2004-04-14T11:14:00.000-04:00

It is interesting how much of a difference a day makes. Sometimes it's for the good, sometimes it's for worse.

I'm not sure where I fit into all of this.

I'm really more an observer, as the world zooms around me. This is by no means a complaint. Quite frankly, I enjoy that, while I may do different things, and may be busy all the freaking time!!! *deep breath* that things don't actually change that much. Sometimes it's nice to be the steady state when you're bombarded by people bringing forth all sorts of news. Some good, some bad, some happy, some in tears, some online, some on the phone, and some at your door...and sometimes even after you've hung up the phone, are chatting to 4 people online, and then someone shows up.

It does suck sometimes that I really am busier than people think. Not that I want people to not message me and stuff...I dunno...I'm not complaining, really. I think it's that I try to set times where I'm available, and still that doesn't work. And I know shit happens, and great news is heard, and people have last-minute changes of plans...still...it IS 11 and I'm not done my pcl research yet. And my to-do list is only growing. Fuck.

To be honest, I'm looking forward to the conference this weekend. Even if I'm leaving for Detroit Friday morning at 1...(ugh). I think it will be nice to only have my cell for emergencies, not have e-mail, not have msn, not have classes, not have people asking favours, not have people demand so much, and just me doing my thing.

*grabs another coffee*

2004-04-12T12:52:00.000-04:00

I'm in a bitchy mood.

I know I am. I know that something's amiss, and I can't put my finger on it. I think that it's a bit of everything, really. The past couple of weeks have been tremendously draining on me, and it's definitely showing. I'm just at that point where the list of things to do is NEVER getting shorter, and even when I'm at the point where I think that I'm gaining an upper hand, someone comes along and puts more straw on this camel's back.

I think what bugs me the most is that I know I'm being bitchy to my friends here, in class, and that sucks because they mean so much to me, and, while they're not the kind of people to take things to heart, if I'm annoying them, then I would understand if they start to distance themselves.

*sigh*

There is so much on my plate, and everyone is expecting me to put them first.

and done.

2004-04-07T01:15:00.000-04:00

*sneeze*sneeze*cough*cough*

Please don't let me get sick.

PLEASE.

2004-04-04T16:43:00.000-04:00

Ugh...

I guess maybe not ugh. I'm not disgusted...more like...no, it's ugh. I'm tired. It's just been a long while. I feel like I got back from vacation and I hit the ground running. And I know that it's only been 2 weeks since the time off, but I really feel like I need more of a break than this!

In my defence, I haven't been sleeping well, with a lot of little things on my plate. While the rest of the undergrad world draws to a close for another semester, it seems that us poor medical students have to remember that a lot of things run on their schedule. How soon we forget that cities empty for entire summers, and positions remain unfilled, and sublets aren't available after exams...*sigh*

And of course there are the various tasks at hand, some new volunteer opportunities (which I won't jinx just yet), preparation for the summer, and doing 30 things for our Medical School talent production, Tachycardia, which is coming up fast. As is my trip to New Orleans. As is my trip home...*sigh* this is going to be a very busy month, none of which will be spent sleeping!

I need a hug.

2004-03-28T18:22:00.000-05:00

A Brief Announcement

As many of my regulars who know me outside of the blog know, I founded a queer support/discussion group at the University of Guelph in 2001, to provide students with a safe space in which to discuss coming out issues, and to facilitate their introduction into a real queer "community". This past year I've had the pleasure of continuing Campout alongside a wonderful resource (AJ). With her help, we have helped to provide students with more access to safe support.

Upon the completion of this school year, I will be stepping down as program facilitator at the University of Guelph. Campout is far from ending - in fact, part of the purpose of stepping aside is to engage in some exciting new endeavours in keeping with Campout's Mission statement.

With this in mind, we our expanding the Campout family with two positions in the 2004-2005 school year. Financing for this program is to be provided in part from donations by the University of Guelph Laramie Project Fund, and by private donation. We are currently seeking applicants from diverse backgrounds (however, at the present, the pool is only open to University of Guelph students and alumni of not more than 2 years post-graduation). If you think that you, or someone you know may be interested, please visit or forward the following URL: http://www.uoguelph.ca/~campout.

Thanks for a fabulous two years.
Dustin.

2004-03-25T20:52:00.000-05:00

Hey folks!

I'm sorry for not blogging earlier. March break was fabulous, as it gave me a good chance to get away and spend time with my family, which we all know I don't do enough (not for lack of wanting to). Highlights include shopping with the family, seeing how much my nephew is progressing through his developmental milestones, going to Guelph and having dinner with some lambton peeps, hitting up the underground (where I realised that, though sometimes the people there slay me (in the bad way), all it takes is a good song, and a good conversation, and I'm home; and spending time at the boy's family's estate in Waterloo (they got a new door - all together now: oooooooooh).

Other than that, this week has been one of great life maintenance. I'm still keeping up with certain regimens (details to follow in May), and trying to organise some major parts of my life, such that I can make the transition to adulthood. It's been busy! Everything but school is piling up.

On that note, it's time to go be social with the class of 2007. However, I want to let you all know that an important announcement will be posted to this site by Sunday, so please check back.

2004-03-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, the cat is out of the bag...

I will be in Guelph TOMORROW (Thursday, March 18) for one last hurrah...well, because it's March break, and I'm going to be around. Of course, it being Thursday, we will be heading to the Underground...umm...by 11:30 PM, I would presume. If you can make it out, super. If not, that's okay...it happens. Oh, and I don't think it will be an extremely late night...so try to be there by 1, or else you may not see me *sniff*sniff*.

If you're around, and you want to e-mail me before 9 AM tomorrow, please do, and we'll see if there is a chance to meet up. No promises...but I will either be there in the afternoon, or dinner time...darn not planning sooner!

2004-03-15T23:33:00.000-05:00

Listening to: CBC Radio Two

So far this break has been somewhat productive...not in the sense that I'm getting schoolwork done, even though I did bring home notes for the next quarter, so that I could start reading ahead (loser? yes, but I also learned last quarter that I need to study more consistently across the quarter). I've just been able to invest some time in seeing my family, and sorting out some major elements in my life, like finances, electives, hobbies, major and minor purchases...that sort of thing. I don't feel like I'm just sitting around, but I don't feel overwhelmed...so I guess that's the sign of a good break.

I'm not going to lie. I've been avoiding the internet as much as possible this break, taking only time to accomplish some more major e-mails, and taking a couple of minutes to check in on the better half. I think that there are a lot of reasons for that. Firstly, I spend WAY too much time on the internet...like, I think I spend as much time on the net as people who are considered "very sedentary" spend in front of the television. Not only does that cut into productivity, and is really lost time, it's not good for myself. I could be using more time to sleep, and more time to EXERCISE - even if it's a short workout or a walk. Secondly, I need to spend more time trying to do more adult things, and setting priorities in my tasks. If people have something that requires my attention, I can get an e-mail about it. It doesn't have to be on messenger, which invariably leads to a conversation...

And, well, thirdly - I worry about a lot of people, to the point that I sometimes don't take care of myself. That's not to say that a)I'm pointing out anyone in particular, or b) that I won't be around and/or don't want to be disturbed. It's just that I feel like, once again, I'm at a different point in my life than some of my friends, and I just don't know where my place is in dispensing advice or telling people what I think. It's not that I don't care, and it's not that I'm not a good listener (I have geriatric patients who love me, I'll have you know). It's just that, as much as I worry about the decisions that people make, cause and effect are still the best teachers, and I shouldn't disrupt that.

I guess what I'm saying is that maybe I am starting to turn over a new leaf, now that I'm on the first march break where I really needed it. I guess I need to start thinking about where my priorities are...because they really aren't going to change for 3 more years. I'm in this until May 2007...and even after that, I'm in a job that demands upwards of 100 hours per week.

*re-reads entry* How about that...I feel a bit better already.

2004-03-14T00:55:00.000-05:00

*phew*

Well, another exam week has come and gone. It's not that these exams were particulary difficult...it's more that the quarter was SO full of information, and other commitments...let's just say this week is very well-deserved...perhaps more than any other winter-semester break that I've ever had!

This break, in some ways, is a misnomer. I feel like I have so many things that I need to do...personal care being at the top of that list, but also sorting out my life from next week clear until September. I need lists! Just to sort things out...straighten things out...the usual...I feel like there is so much chaos in my life right now...nothing bad...just that I'm slipping...I'm letting things slide....just need to get back in control.

At this point, not much to report...except that I'm going to bed...more to come later :)

2004-03-09T19:24:00.000-05:00

Half-way done exams, half-way done exams, half-way done exams.

I don't want to study.

2004-03-05T16:07:00.000-05:00

Listening to: The Hunting Quartet (for Haydn), W.A. Mozart

This has been a very busy week...very much a week of moving forward. I think that the best thing that I realised this week is that I can accomplish a lot when I apply myself. Okay, I know...I'm in medical school, and I was a Sr. RA, and I was a nerd in undergrad, and I ran 9 events in Grade 12 alone, and I'm a workaholic...but sometimes you need to take a step back and see what great things you can accomplish in the immediate, and just take comfort in knowing that everything is going to be okay - even if exams are next week...well, technically they started today with the physical examination clinical skill exam.

I am learning to limit my time spent online and letting the people whom I care about the most know that, while I love them, and would be there in a second (and I'm a call away), I do need some time for me to do my job right now, and that's to be a physician-in-training. I am learning that, sometimes, the best place to study isn't at home, but rather at Starbucks with a Venti Chai Tea (with a drop of skim milk and 2 sweetner, please). I'm also learning that some of the biggest challenges of our lives can be overcome when you have the right plan (but more on that in May). I'm also learning that, with some persistence, you can work the job of your dreams in the hopes of effecting change.

I know that it's already March, but it's going to be an amazing year, an amazing summer, an amazing future, and an amazing me.

2004-02-27T18:22:00.000-05:00

This is not going to be a particularly interesting weekend. I have to study. No, really I do. Exams technically start a week from TODAY. What the fuck??? I'm sure that it will be okay, but this week is not going to necessarily be pretty...and there are all very intensive exams: Physical Examination; Neuroscience, Eye, and Ear; Psychiatry and Behaviour, and Blood; and Microbiology And Immunology - in addition to the cranial anatomy practical.

So if I'm not around lots, you're not blocked, or anything...I'm just actively avoiding you. It's nothing personal...it's just what I need to do.

Oh, and PS - the reason why I am swearing is because I already have 3 jobs for a 12-week summer...who does that?!?!

2004-02-26T16:03:00.000-05:00

Fuck. I did it again.

(nothing bad...will explain later).

2004-02-25T10:21:00.000-05:00

I like Wednesdays in first year medicine.

Wednesdays are our Patient-Centred Learning module days, where we take two hours in small groups and discuss current issues in medicine. It's also a chance for students to shadow real live doctors during the rest of the day (unfortunately, wednesdays are days off for a lot of doctors...or they're paperwork days (or half-days), or they're meeting days...though I have done a few neat things, like follow an oncologist, and observe an autopsy...and I plan on doing one or two more things before it's all done (perhaps an ER shift, see an anaesthesiologist, a pathologist, or an gynaecologist...).

Of course, for me, Wednesday is "life maintenance task" day. It's the day where I try to sleep in, and then get absolutely everything that I can done so that, tomorrow, I can go back to being a student for two more days. Arguably, Wednesdays are the busiest time of the week. Today, I have the following on the block: Hair Cut, gorcery top-up, pick up COD parcel at post office, study, PCL, drive to Guelph, be in Guelph, drive from Guelph, check e-mail, study, sleep.

Actually, this is a pretty light week. I suppose I should be happy for that one...

2004-02-23T18:04:00.000-05:00

Hmm...what to blog about...

It seems that there is a lot going on in the lives of those around me, so it almost seems silly to blog about my own issues (even if this is my forum). Really, things aren't that extreme in either direction right now, which is good, IMO.

This is Microbiology week, when we go through all the major microorganisms which cause disease. Clearly it's a lot of material (about 50 different genera this week), but it's totally interesting material. It's nice to learn about disease, especially when so much of first year is spent understanding the normal human body. I guess it gets us geared up for second year, which is going to come sooner than we all want to admit.

It's really a lot of work, even in first year. Even though there aren't tons of assignments and what-not, we still have to factor in the fact that we're in a quarterly system (with 4 sets of exams, not 2 - the next set in less than 2 weeks!), and that we're in class 30 hours per week. It's times like this that I wonder how well I'm finding that balance...

2004-02-18T17:48:00.000-05:00

Slowly turning things around...

This week is very draining. It's HIV week in Medical School, but the issue brings so many more things to light: HIV, AIDS, HIV testing, Transmission, IV use, Homosexuality, Discrimination, Terminal Disease, Right to Die, Treatments which can be pretty awful...

It's not that I don't want to be here. Sure sometimes I'm not represented. And sure the road to hell was paved by good intentions, and sure some people really try my patience, especially when they don't follow through on responsibilities, or pass responsibilities onto others, even when it's clearly their job to do them...but I think I'm meant to be here...

They say there there will be times when you second guess yourself as to why you're in medicine. I guess this is one of those times. I dunno, I'm a smart guy, who is passionate about humanity, and sees the imperfect world with its very fallible people. I have what it takes to be a doctor - of this I am sure. But sometimes I think I could stop all of this and become an activist. Do a Law degree. Actually PRACTICE law (then maybe politics later). Do support work full-time. Work with AIDS patients in various Canadian centres. Fight for queer rights. Educate the community on where we have come from and where we have to go.

I dunno...sometimes it feels like I do that everyday now...especially educating people. It is amazing how many people don't see their privilege. It's AMAZING the number of people who don't understand the politics of AIDS, let alone many diseases, and the plight of many minority groups...

Ahh well, back to studying.

2004-02-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

AIDS is a gay disease.

AIDS is many things. It is a disease of many faces. It is a disease of the young. It is a disease of people of colour. It is a disease of women. It is a disease of the poor.

While it is noble that we have attempted over the years to challenge those who label gays as HIV+ and vice versa, we must never forget the history of AIDS in North America. In 1981, the CDC and the New York Post reported the first cases of pneumocystis carinii, and Karposi's Sarcoma - extremely rare diseases found only in the immune compromised - among a few gay men in San Francisco and NYC.

It was initially coinded GRID - Gay Related Immune Deficiency.

You would think that the gay community was able to loggy to have this disfiguring name changed, but they were not able to. Gays had no rights. Gays had no respect. It was less than 10 years prior to that when being gay was finally considered NOT to be a psychiatric disorder, and less than 15 years since it was even legal in Canada.

And now, we were dying.

Incidentally, it was the Hemophiliac Society that lobbied the name change, because those who were dying "through no fault of their own" should never be compared to such folk as gay men.

In response to this epidemic, gay groups had to fight for research dollars (again, hemophiliacs accomplished more in this area, not for lack of trying on our part). We had to fight to learn how this spread. And when we figured it out, we did everything in our power to educate our own, and others.

While there have been fluctuations with the introduction of HAART treatments, gay men have led the battle in curtailing HIV infection in gays, while all other groups have steadily increased. We use condoms more frequently than heterosexuals. We run AIDS committees that we founded years ago.

But we can't forget how hard we worked in this fight. Yes we have more to do, in helping those around the world, but don't fucking tell me that it's not a gay disease. When hate and intolerance threaten our health, AIDS remains a gay disease. When we have worked tirelessly for 13 years to educate, and lobby, and prevent, AIDS remains a gay disease. When we have to fight to stay alive, AIDS remains a gay disease. When society blames us, and labels us for years, and leaves it up to us to fight, AIDS remains our disease.

So, please, don't take AIDS away from us. AIDS today has no boundaries, but AIDS history will always be ours.

2004-02-12T22:56:00.000-05:00

So many things happening all at once.

So I decided after school that I was going to be productive today...and I was, actually. I had to take my computer in to get some upgrades done on it, make things run a bit faster, and not have to keep re-booting. I still think that I need the Windows 98 SE CD, but I think I can get that when I go home. I never understand how new computers don't give you all the software that you would require even 4 years from then, like CD's...grr...so the computer will be fixed by tomorrow, so I will be able to pick it up when I pick up my pictures from Blacks - which is exciting because it's got FSS, and MSFC, and the boy's B-day, and other various photographs of various meals. :P

Other than that, lots of things are still happening. Tomorrow I have to drive down to Guelph so that I can drop off my application for Graduation. It looks like I shall be able to procure a general Bachelor of Science in Biological Science. I think that I need the closure from Guelph...I love Guelph, but I feel that I need to let go of it. To be an alumnus. To look at the time as growth, and challenge, and opening my eyes to a world I never imagined. I'm nervously excited for June, now.

I'm also torn about going to the MSFC conference in New Orleans. Apparently it's the same weekend as the Meds formal...but, all things into consideration, I think I'd rather go to the conference. I love my class, but I also think that this is a hugely important issue, and it's something I want to get exposed to more...especially because you never know what will happen next year...if it's the same weekend, or if it's at a time where I can't go, or if something changes...you just never know. So I have to think about that, I guess...because I would be going without my best friends in my class, and we sorta do most things together, too. (I don't talk about them much online here, but they're truly amazing people with whom I'll be friends long into my ancient years)

So yeah...it's THAT weekend again this year. I have to admit that I'm super lucky to be where I am today (well, not even lucky...I mean, if I'm a true fatalist, luck is immaterial). I still think it's a stupid holiday that makes people feel like ass and may prolong couples in problematic relationships from breaking up (much like how people do near major holidays, or anniversaries), because no one wants to be that person who does that. My advice to all couples is simple: if you can be together this weekend, do exactly what you would do on any other weekend. If you're single, remember that you're a beautiful person, and no one else can be a measure of to that beauty (and remember all the perks to being single, too). And if you're heartbroken, don't be afraid to reach out to a friend. If this weekend is to be about love, then it's a time that we must share it...especially given the troubled times in which we live.

2004-02-11T09:44:00.000-05:00

Listening to: various Shoutcast.com stations

Hey all...I feel bad for not posting in a while...it's just been one of those weeks where I feel as if, no matter what I do, there is someone else just waiting to put something on my plate. Of course, the main thing on my plate is exams, and that's the thing that I feel the least comfortable about...oy...who knew that neuroscience would be so challenging?

So I have to decide in 2 days if it's even possible to graduate with my B.Sc. in the summer. I'm not too worried, because then I can just graduate in the fall. It doesn't look like there is much hope for getting my honours, but I'll always know how hard I worked in order to get to where I am now...and I think I need some closure on Guelph. I love Guelph, it was a time of great change for me (all positive), but I will never let go until those things are done. Too bad I don't really have time this week to get that stuff done...oh well.

Other than that, there really isn't much to report. I'm excited to see The Producers at the end of April. I have only heard good things about it...and, quite frankly, anything that Mel Brooks puts together, especially when it involves singing and dancing, is in my good books (I remind you all of History of the World, Part I).

Oh, and if some of you have noticed that there is something different about my blog, then you are very observant! :) I will slowly be changing the formatting of the blog, just to keep it lively (of course, I'll never change the content...because that's what keeps people coming back!). I would do it all in one sweeping motion, but I just don't have the time...this way, I can take several distractions over the next 4 weeks.

2004-02-04T13:03:00.000-05:00

This has been a really great week at school. I think that going to the MSFC conference really motivated me to be passionate about political issues...it's fun to take a step back and look at the things that I'm trying to do right now:

I have submitted a Summer Research Training Project (SRTP - the equivalent to a Medical Student NSERC award), in which I will be studying diversity issues in family medicine (I can't say much more than that, however, you may be invited to participate in studies!).
I am working with the course manager for the Patient-Centred Learning course to find ways to incorporate more diversity issues into case presentations and the PCL program, itself.
I am in the process of creating an ombudsperson position within our medical school class which will allow students in the class to voice any concerns with respect to conduct or events that may be construed as insensitive to one's right to inclusivity.
I am spearheading work on a committee which looks at gender and equity issues among teaching staff.
I just joined a queer ontario medical student e-mail listserve.
I'm looking into ways to get involved with the Gay and Lesbian Medical Associations in the US and Canada.
I am hoping to attend the National Medical Students For Choice conference in New Orleans, LA in April.
I am still helping with Campout, and looking for people to take the group over in fall 2004.

Hmm...that's a lot of stuff, eh? I don't mean to sound horn-tootish or anything...it's just funny that I didn't think I was doing that much...oops.

GO FEMINISM! :)

2004-02-02T00:06:00.000-05:00

I'm kinda sleepy from trying to get things organised, and from the complete lack of sleep this weekend...so this is going to be a very short post.

I went to the 2nd Annual Canadian Medical Students for Choice conference, at Queen's University. It was extremely awe-inspiring. I have always been a proponent of a woman's reproductive choice, and I have heard anecdotally of some of the struggles that a woman faced, but going to this conference made me realise just how strongly I feel about this issue, and how important it is for me to consider a career which includes providing reproductive choice to women.

The reality is that the anti-choice movement is faning. The fact that they had to resort to violence only speaks to this issue. However, medicine is often the barrier to access to abortions in Canada. In PEI, there are NO abortion providers. In Canada, 17.2% of hospitals provide abortion care. The average age of an abortion provider in Canada is approximately 58.

Now to go back to school for another 6-12 years. This week, the plans are big, but the time allotted to them is also big, so we'll be productive! woo hoo!

2004-01-29T09:43:00.000-05:00

It was just a stupid question, that's all.

I just wanted to ask about minority health care professionals and the relative risk of substance abuse and suicidality. I guess I sort of already knew the answer, even if the white heterosexual male oligarchy that exists in medicine is too self-serving to have research such values.

But no, my question had to wait.

We can answer FOUR questions from the same guy who asks bloodly questions all the damn day, but we're too busy to answer mine. But we can answer anyone else's questions. Just not mine.

I realise that this event is merely the straw on a mule's back that is the direct result of a long two weeks in which sleep has been sub-optimal, and the importance of last-minute tasks has been quite great. No, it's not burnout, it's just an emotional day...mildly late night that I feel guilty about cutting short...twice, in fact. And I suppose that trying to help someone to help someone else who is struggling with a problem that I once found myself in just stirs up some emotions. hmm...perhaps getting misty-eyed in the LRC is not a good idea.

I still don't understand why a person who devotes his career to providing support to health care professionals would have the audacity to negate someone's comments by not allowing them to be made. I suppose that, by skipping the second half of his lecture, I'm really no much the wiser. But at least I looked up the answers to the questions I wanted to ask (and yes, we do get discriminated against more than the WHM majority).

Life is good, this particular interval is a dip, that's all. This, too, shall pass.

2004-01-25T20:45:00.000-05:00

What a week.

I have to admit that my emotions were a bit of a roller-coaster this week. The problem with getting a PDA is that, in being very efficient and blocking all of your appointments and having a constant link to a to-do list, you realise just how much stuff has to get done, and it can be pretty overwhelming.

Much of the roller-coaster has to do with organising myself to do a research project this summer. Now, normally medical students participate in a project that's ongoing in a very science-based field in which they are interested, but I don't want to do that - I want to do some research that's more patient-centred, and a project for which there isn't much precedent. So I have been on a trek to find supervisors, and devise a project, and debate the validity of the research to colleagues in order to gauge the feasibility of the research. I believe in it, at least.

Nevertheless, at the end of this week, I have completed a community health paper (2500 words and 35 references) on MSM health issues, and I've found two supervisors for my project! Woo hoo! Now the only catch is that I have nothing else...and the project proposal is due January 30...Friday. SO I have to devise a project, with a full methodology and working plan on what I'm going to do over each of the following two summers, and then pray that I get selected. I will get some remuneration for the project ($4000 per summer), however I may not have much money to fund the actual project, so that money may have to go to it instead (my supervisors don't exactly have budgets).

I'm a little stressed about it because it's a lot to do in 5 days. I believe in it, though. And I believe in myself. I can do this. I will get a publication, and I will be published (and maybe get into some magazines, too!). Now the next step is to get a Bachelor's Degree!

2004-01-20T17:34:00.000-05:00

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

INFJ - "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1.5% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

2004-01-18T22:28:00.000-05:00

Listening to: Don't Dream it's Over, Sixpence None The Richer (do they write anything?)

I'm very ambivalent right now...on one hand, I'm excited that this week will afford us some time to get back into a bit more of a routine...I've been so tired because I'm not in one. I've also not been able to efficiently implement my healthy eating regime, even though one look at my fridge tells you that I must be eating well, because there are so many empty shelves (no sense buying so much produce only to throw stuff out). The prospect of a new week is definitely a good thing in that sense.

On the other hand, so we enter the third and final week of the Neuroscience block, and I've done no studying...not no work...in fact, I've done quite a bit. I think the problem is that I did very little on the break, and let a lot of little things slide. Because of this, I have a huge pile of things that were once on the important/not-urgent list that have now become transposed onto the important/urgent and even the past due lists. It's already approaching the Jan 20 mark, which means that 3 weeks have elapsed since the beginning of the year and the term. I know I'm a psycho for actually caring at this point...but still...so much to do.

In other dichotomies, this weekend I realised that Family medicine, one of the career paths I never saw myself in, looks really enticing...there are so many opportunities in family medicine, and with the shortage in every county in Ontario, I could literally go ANYWHERE and open a practice, with many offering salaries of over $150 000. Now, it's not about the money, but rather to demonstrate just how much they want doctors. The problem is that there are so many other specialties that I was so keen on...and I hate that I'm adding to the list every week.

I'm hungry a lot, but then I slip, so I spend most of the day hungry and then by 11 PM have eaten too much...lol...that's my own damn fault.

Sometimes it sucks that you love someone so much that they not only make you happy, but they make you sad when they are sad...and it sucks knowing that, sometimes, even though it's your job to make them happy, you can't always deliver...all you can do is be there for them in spirit.

Thankfully, though everything else seems to be bipolar, my mental status is not. Right now, the key is to keep on plowing...just keep plowing...just keep plowing plowing plowing plowing plowing just keep plowing...(who else LOVES Finding Nemo!!??)

2004-01-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

Hey folks,

I've decided to retire the FaceParty profile, but I'm starting to put more pics online...so click on the link to the left. More to come! :)

Incidentally, week 2 is upon us again, as can be delineated by the bad moods plaguing a lot of people. I am certainly not going to pretend that I'm not one of those people...but I think we all need to take a step back, write some to-do lists, and remember that everything is going to be a-ok...no matter how poorly organised the state of affairs may be, no matter how clingy or distant the partner may be, no matter how hard it is to try to lose weight...those, too, shall pass, and 2004 has the potential to be a kick-butt year! It's already 1/24 over!!!

2004-01-07T18:25:00.000-05:00

2003 - A year in Review
By: Yours Truly

Well, folks, 2003 will go down in history as the year that North America (and much of the world) hit the proverbial wall, coming to terms with the fact that we have exceeded our optimal carrying capacity, and our years of neglect and bare-bones/ often illegal economics came back to slap us in the face.

TOP 5 NATIONAL EVENTS:

5) The Coronation of Paul Martin as Prime Minister.

We didn't vote for him, and, quite frankly, neither did his party, seeing as how most of the delegates were afraid of political demise had they not towed the party line. Welcome our 21st Prime Minister. Just as long as you keep the right-wing out of office, then I'm happy!

4) The Power Outage of 2003

This is what happens when the government deregulates electricity, then subsequently has to cap electricity prices because there was barely enough power in the first place, and they were too cheap to put money into new power generation.

3) Diseases!

Mad Cow, West Nile, and in particular SARS showed us that cuts to health care and agriculture has left this country very vulnerable. In the upcoming years, we will be seeing massive changes to the health care system - hopefully for the better. If we eliminated corporate loopholes, it wouldn't even cost a thing!

2) GWB's Bloodbath for Oil

Hopefully, he won't be elected in 2004, either! In an attempt to divert the world's attention from the United States' organised collapse of Afghanistan and the pursuit of a criminal mastermind, GW unilaterally, along with partner in crime England, decided to focus on ousting a major threat to the United States' oil supply, of which 1/4 is consumed by National Defence.

1) Same Sex Marriage!

Thanks to the hard work of many queer activists, queer folk everywhere can no longer answer "because we're not allowed to get married" to the most commonly asked question from our parents. While 2004 and a new government threatens to take our rights away yet again, 2003 will be remembered in Canadian history for this achievement - the 1st country to legalise same-sex marriage (as it was retroactive to January 2000).

TOP 5 NATIONAL FIGURES DESERVING OF RECOGNITION:

5) Sheela Basrur, Chief Medical Officer of the City of Toronto

Deserves recognition for her tireless (and ongoing) efforts to respond to the SARS crisis which threatened to become an epidemic in our backyard.

4) Sheila Copps

For once again challenging the status quo and giving delegates an alternative to the white-heterosexual male oligarchy.

3) Jean Chr?tien

His legacy as Prime Minister for three consecutive majority governments has brought many advances to our nation, including eliminating the deficit, and introducing more progressive human rights legislation. Not quite enough to make us forget about Sea Kings, Somalia, APEC, HRDC spending, white elephant gun registries, kickbacks, a reversal on the stance on issues such as GST, and the virtual destruction of most social programs - he is still a better leader than anyone in any other party.

2) The Fallen Crew of Space Shuttle Columbia.
(http://www.nasa.gov/missions/shuttle/f_marsplaque.html)

With the recent Mars landing, a permanent monument, a plaque commemorating the fallen astronauts has been erected on the red planet's surface. On February 1, 2003, upon re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere, the crew of Space Shuttle Columbia
STS-107: Rick D. Husband, William C. McCool, Michael P. Anderson, Kalpana Chawla, David M. Brown, Laurel B. Clark, and Ilan Ramon, perished.

1) Michael Stark and Michael Leshner

Their persistance in pursuit of equality has enabled all Canadians to partake in the institution of marriage, placing Canada among the most progressive and tolerant nations in the world.

2003 was an interesting year for entertainment. In my opinion, the accomplishments of many individuals is laudable, but overall the industry has, like electricity, reached its carrying capacity. Cynical perhaps, but 2003 will be a year forgotten by many in the biz I am sure.

Noteworthy Performances of 2003 (whom we will see more of in 2004):

5) Ellen Degeneres - for stealing Finding Nemo, and for making one kickass talk show.
4) Margaret Cho - The Notorious C.H.O. was an amazing follow-up to I'm the one that I want. She's absolutely High-larious.
3) John Mayer - Hard to not like him, and I know - I tried.
2) Clay Aiken - This is the Night, and Bridge Over Troubled Water. Admit it, you cried, too.
1) Sarah McLachlan - We waited 5 years, and it was worth it. Fallen is by far the record of the year, and Afterglow, the album.

Flops of 2003:

5) Caroline Rhea - she's no Rosie
4) Jason Mraz - He just doesn't have the remedy for the one-hit-wonder, unfortunately.
3) Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck - neither are worthy of their own spot on this list. Gigli proved to us that even Americans need some depth to their movies
2) Britney Spears - What can we say...all your gay fans like Justin now that he's single because we all want to fellate him.
1) Reuben Stoddard - Enough said.

The hardest part of compiling my list of 2003 would have to be the personal peaks. I had originally wanted to put 10 items up, but that seems somewhat diluted. At the risk of being more cheesy than this whole post, I shall read the list. Drum roll please...

Worst Moment of 2003: Living with a demented old hag for 2 months. May 2004 bring her more despair than she encountered in 2003.

And now the BEST moments!

5) Random Trips to Toronto Gay Bars with women in hot pink coats.

4) The fact that Campout has continued this school year, and has grown considerably...next stop - we go nationwide ;)

3) Late Night Pit Trips, running to call the cops in flip-flops, and NEVER SLEEPING all of winter semester in Lambton Hall.

2) Thursday nights at the Underground, whether they involved debating whether or not people were avians, who was dating whom, and which butch dykes I would make out with were I drunk enough, and ALWAYS involving Sun Suns, Thursdays will go down as being the best day of the week.

and finally...

1) Getting accepted to medical school in the same week that I met one of the most amazing people to come into my life...(all together now...'aww')

Thank you all for the laughs, the hugs, the tears, and the food (we eat a darn lot...). One thing is for sure: 2004 has big shoes to fill - can't wait to see where we end up next!

2004-01-01T15:46:00.000-05:00

Happy New Years!

Here's hoping that 2003 was a year of growth in some capacity or another, and that 2004 will be a year of many great things to come.

My hands are a bit full this week, but I shall be returning to the London Area on Sunday, and, barring any major problems, I shall be posting the year-in-review in good time!

Peace.

2003-12-27T00:26:00.000-05:00

Not that I'm always the kind of person to get nostalgic around this time (considering we arbitrarily decided that the end of this particular month denotes the change to a new year), but so much has happened...so right now I'm trying to compile a very concise list of peaks and pits for the year...but I need your input...so if you can think of any good things that have happened, moments to be shared (that are fit to publish), hit me back with an e-mail or a comment, and I'll be posting before the end of the year. :)

2003-12-24T16:33:00.000-05:00

Hey folks!

Ottawa is still Ottawa. I'm struggling to deal with the fact that this city is filled with people from my past whom I, to be perfectly frank, would rather not see. And yet, this break more than any, I've run into a bunch of them.

I realise that a lot of you who know me may realise that I don't talk a lot about my experiences pre-Guelph, and for a good reason - it's my past, and I don't feel the need to discuss it. I have really moved on from this place, and I'm now not only 2 years separated from a lot of the people I grew up with, but I'm also two degrees separated from them... and it's not to be pretentious or anything like that...it's just that we have little in common, and we have completely different life direction, and I don't find myself happy around them...

*sigh*

Ok, time for this drama queen to head to dinner...happy winter break!

2003-12-18T00:53:00.000-05:00

So much has to happen in the next little while...and I feel like the list is only getting longer...

Nothing exciting to report, but I'm alive and well. And thankful.

2003-12-11T21:30:00.000-05:00

This is me not studying.

You will live in Shack.

You will drive a Blue Lexus.

You will marry Michael and have 3 kids.

You will be an Obstetrics Gynaecology Doc in Toronto.

I just hope the shack has insulation and satellite tv.

2003-12-08T20:31:00.001-05:00

you are aqua
#00FFFF

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Why do all these quizzes think I'm a know-it-all?

2003-12-08T20:31:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty damn hard core! Fear me!

2003-12-07T20:12:00.000-05:00

Listening to: Breathe, Michelle Branch

Dear Readers,

Some of you may have wondered about the new look of the blog. I know because a few of you messaged me about it. It is, of course, a temporary measure. I may update the colours on the blog I already had...maybe try to improve on it a bit...but I don't have much time to do that. Nevertheless, the normal, less-drab colours will be back up in January.

I chose to convert the blog to Black and White for many different reasons. Fundamentally, it is meant as a sign of respect. So much emphasis at this time of year is spent on 'the spirit of the holidays', consumerism, laughter, and joy. Unfortunately, this time of year can be particulary difficult for some who may be coping with the loss of a loved one, or who may find themselves in difficult times. Examples of this include the families of the brave women who were tragically murdered on December 6, 1989; to the child who must spend his or her first holiday season fighting in a war that should never have started; to my own family, as we approach the anniversary of the passing of my grandfather.

During this time of year, take a moment to realise how lucky you are to be where you are in life, and don't let a day go by that you're not thankful for what you have. We really never know what may come in the future, so we must make the most of the gift we call 'the present'.

2003-12-04T19:39:00.000-05:00

Le 6 décembre, 1989. N'oublions jamais.

2003-12-03T19:58:00.000-05:00

Today's lesson: Don't have sex, ever. And if you are thinking about it, get tested, because, well, when there are enough yellow flags, it would be stupid not to.

You know, unlike the vast majority of other people, my life is NOT a drama...and it's nice that way. Maybe some people need to emulate that.

2003-12-01T20:09:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have so much to do right now that I don't even know where to start...

So, waking up this morning, I shower, and go to put on my jeans...with a great deal of difficulty, I might add. And with that one foul swoop, I am on a diet. And it sucks. I realise that my life is sedentary...but it's not like I'm not at school 8 hours a day, on top of trying to save the world and maintain some semblance of a decent sleep schedule.

I would like to think that, perhaps, I'm also starting to get the middle-age metabolism slow...because it's not that I eat THAT much...and I don't eat meat, I rarely eat fried foods (I go out to eat maybe twice a week)...but, on the other hand, I know I have binge eating issues...especially when I'm stressed...and that's an incredibly hard habit to break. A lot of people don't consider it to be a real health problem, but it is. It is potentially as serious as Anorexia or Bulimia, but people don't give it that credit.

I'm seriously thinking of joining Weight Watchers in the Winter...to try to get that help that I need to push me. Honestly, I'm in medical school, and I should be making the effor to improve my weight and my health...and, according to ideal body mass, I have over 30 to lose. That's going to be my goal for 2004...hands down.

*sigh*

2003-11-27T20:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's so embarrassing to go to the University of Western Ontario. I mean, honestly...if they didn't have a great medical program, and a very good pathology residency, I would be on the first train out of here.

Take, for instance, QWO - also called the Queer Western Organisation. I am honestly embarrassed that I'm a gay Western student. I mean, the stuff that they do is so ridiculous...not to mention the fact that they get REALLY defensive when you try to offer constructive advice, or a helping hand, even....

Now, I do realise that a part of this is the difference between undergrad and graduate studies, and I'm not suggesting that GQE is any better (though it is definitely not worse)...but I hate these pseudo-activist groups that simply do not do anything for our cause, or who contribute to making this campus a safer place, but, rather, attempt to fill their own social calendar whilest pretending that they are engaged in a political action.

Take for instance this week: the QWO was going to run a PDA sit-in in the atrium of the UCC, whereby they were inviting queer folk (well, gays and lesbians), single or in relationships to go into the atrium for three hours and engage in cuddling, kissing, hand holding, and PDA's. Thankfully, they postponed it because a lot of people were offended.

I am 110% against such an immature, privileged event. It's totally not activism, it's not constructive, it does nothing to make UWO a safer place (which it's NOT to begin with), and it belittles people who are either not out, or who aren't in relationships.

I know this shows my age as an activist, but why would we fight to join such a ridiculous institution such as engaging in PDA's...an act which has historically oppressed us. Honestly, we should be fighting to reject them, and be encouraging others to find more appropriate ways to express their fondness for one another than that...

What infuriated me more, however, was the insensitive response that iI encountered when trying to discuss the issue with another queer student at Western, who resorted to attacking my character and suggesting that I did not understand the meaning of pride.

What a fucking ridiculous school. Some days, I really hate it here.

And, at the risk of more than one person in my class actually reading it, I'm just going to say it anyways: I find it challenging being a gay medical student here, as a member of UWO Meds, and as a member of Meds 2007...and as much as I try to explain my perspective, I just feel it's not a battle worth fighting.

2003-11-23T11:54:00.000-05:00

Listening to: Pleasantville (on TBS)

And now we enter study mode...for the next 3 weeks, things aren't going to be exactly...'pretty'. Okay, it's not that I'm really worried (anymore than I normally get), because, as they say, we all pass...and even if we don't pass these exams, you just have to make up for it the next time. It's not that the material is easy...because there is a lot of material and there are a lot of different angles from which the material must be organised...but they really try to make sure we all learn it...I guess it's not completely different from undergrad, but the instructors here make a more concerted effort, that's all.

Before I go on with my ramblings, I should mention that, for some reason, msn is no longer working on my computer...which enrages me, actually. And Trillian isn't connecting, either. My computer just crashed last night, and since then, nothing. So frustrating!

Anyways...my head has been filled with philosophical questions as of late. Take, for instance, the 'Flu vaccine. One of the components of the vaccine is a gelatin base derived from pigs. As a strict vegetarian, this raises some concerns, because I'd be injected with an animal product. In the end, I decided that, whereas I was not consuming the flesh of the animal, and whereas the animal that was slaughtered would have been processed such that the meat would have been sent for human consumption (thus the animal was not killed for the purposes of the vaccine), and, furthermore, I became a vegetarian as an issue of personal health, I chose to get the shot.

There was an interesting discussion that started in our Patient-Centred Learning module this past week. Our facilitator asked us whether we would rather enter a profession that deals with relatively healthy patients who would likely die suddenly (e.g. cardiology), or would we rather deal with patients who are generally ill and whom we would treat over the progression of their illness, often to their death. In my group of 7 students, and subsequently when discussing with a few other students, I found that all but one would chose the former option. Being the only one who would chose the later, I was curious as to why this was the case. Perhaps it's because many of us still have the ideal vision of being a physician in the office dealing with polite and well-mannered and healthy patients. Perhaps, also, it's because many of us still need to deal with our own conceptions of mortality. Or perhaps it's because things like cardiology and orthopedics and the like just seem that much more interesting to some than other disciplines.

Which would you choose?

2003-11-19T12:50:00.000-05:00

You are DNA. You're a smart person, and you appear
incredibly complex to people who don't know
you. You're incomparably full of information,
and most of it is useless.

Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Don't you love it when quizzilla knows you to a T? (or perhaps to a ACGT...get it? get it? Deoxyribonucleotides? Is this thing even on?...oh forget it.)

Back to the books!

2003-11-16T20:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I didn't use all of the 7 words you can't say on TV, but I'm pretty damn close to doing so. So I get home from a great 24 hours away in the Kitchener/Waterloo-Burlington corridor...and turn on my computer. To find that I could log onto Sympatico, but that neither internet pages nor MSN would load (in addition to the fact that everything was crashing). So I spent the better part of last night and this morning diagnosing, fiddling, and uninstalling instead of cleaning, cooking, and STUDYING.

To make things even better, I got a scale on the weekend, and I found out that I GAINED 10 pounds this semester...grr...this was the chance to get into a better lifestyle...that's so frustrating.

But, at the end of the day, things are in balance...I just need to get my ass in gear.

2003-11-10T23:22:00.000-05:00

I feel like I should blog, but I don't really know what to talk about.

Things are going okay. Well, in fact, things are on the upswing. Now that the new place is clean, I love it, and I'm so glad I left. And on Saturday I got a mattress finally (and slept for 11 hours as a result!), as well as cable tv (which is so much cheaper than renting and purchasing movies to kill time). Now all I have to do is find some curtains, and artwork, and I'll be set for my place...where I'll be calling home for a good while...unless I do my clerkship in Windsor, I suppose.

I have come to the realisation that I would really like some straight male friends. It's not that I have a quota or anything...it's just that I never really have had that...and I try so hard to be pro-diversity...I dunno. It would still be nice to just get to know some of the guys in my class a bit better. Take for instance Friday night, at Molly's. I had a great time...and got to talk to some of the guys...just shooting the breeze and what-not...and even got to check out some girls with them. It was fun...I think that they liked explaining to me what they look for in a 'girl'. The fact of the matter is that we have more in common than our preconceptions acknowledge. If anything, they spend more time primping than I ever do, and I have far more body hair.

But I digress...I think I just realise more and more that I'm never going to be a part of any sort of queer community in London, and I'm more than okay with that...and I do feel that sometimes I have to prove to some of the men (not all) that, though I'm gay, there is more to me than that, and that I am just as professionally motivated as they are. I want them to see me for me...but I also want to be one of the guys for once.

So yeah, other than that...it seems like everyone in my class is doing electives, and I find it intimidating as all hell. I think it's because there are so many things that I want to do. I'm starting to think that I'm meant to be in end-of-life care...oncology, pathology, or palliative care. It gives me ample research opportunities, the ability to specialise, but also to interact with people and families...who knows...lol...I think that, before I know it, though, I'm going to have to make up my mind and explore some things in detail...

2003-11-02T11:48:00.000-05:00

Listening To: Stupid, Sarah McLachlan
Aside: new Britney song? I likes...I think I just feel bad that she got shit on with that whole breakup thing...

I haven't hit the wall, per se...well, I guess, technically, that happens when you run out of glycogen stores and have to revert to lipid metabolism as a main source of energy...and, since I ate today, I'm sure it's not that...but, that being said, the new lifestyle begins now. Well, it actually began November 1...just like I said...minor digression, we'll come back to that. But yeah, though I'm feeling 100 times better than I was the past few days, I'm just zonked. It's hard moving, and moving mid-semester, and mid-block. I'm realising there are SO many things that I no longer seem to own...for instance, I only have 3 forks...and I bought a set of 8. Oh well. School is steady right now, so I'm going to be playing catch-up for a while. Exams aren't for another 6 weeks or so, I think...so I have plenty of time to freak out, and I promise that I won't disappoint :)

So yeah, it's November, and, now that I am free to actually be a grown up and start to get my life in order and try to actually start liking the "Forest City", I've decided that a few lifestyle changes need to occur. With things being the way that they have, I feel that I have been neglecting most parts of my life, and I think the key to that is going to be to regiment myself a bit better. There are a few ways that I need to do that:

Body Mass Index Calculator: http://www.medcalc.com/body.html. According to this, I've got 25 lbs to lose, and I think that's actually pretty doable, since I've only really been putting weight on this past year (especially since May). We're going to try the self-discipline approach for now...since I'm already sinking under student debt-loads, and can't afford lipo. (just kidding...love your body).
Canada's Physical Activity Guide: http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hppb/paguide/. DEFINITELY need to get more exercise...the car is staying in the parking lot a heck of a lot more. I have more opportunities now for walking and jogging. I am going to try to get into a bit of a routine...it's just hard when I'm already tired.
Student Budgeting: http://financialplan.about.com/library/weekly/aa090500a.htm. I need to take better care of my finances. I'm not sure exactly HOW I'm going to do that, but I think it's the little impulse purchases that I don't need to make...it was easier with more radical friends, and with less of a life, because everything was more communal...not in the dirty way...rather you could share more things. But a little conservation and a little bit of coupon clipping, and I'll be right as rain. Oh, and the goal this month is to only go out for dinner at most 2 meals per week. Even that sounds like a lot, but being at school from 8-4, and helping with various events, it is amazing how many times I find myself eating out (again, not that way).

*reads post* Yup, I think that's more than enough task avoidance for now...perhaps it's time to actually get some work done, eh?

2003-11-02T10:51:00.000-05:00

This deserves its own post:

Until November 3, okay, tomorrow, you can listen to Sarah's new CD, Afterglow, through VH1.

http://www.vh1.com/artists/az/mclachlan_sarah/353945/album.jhtml

CD Goes on sale Tuesday!

2003-10-31T08:13:00.000-05:00

Listening to: World On Fire, Sarah McLachlan
Song also in my head: Everybody's Free, Quindon Tarver Chorus

Hey folks,

Well, the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and the reign of the Camden Crt...hmm...I'm not going to make that aliteration and insert the c-word that I know you're all thinking of, as am I...;). The move was flawless...all of you who know me know that I was freaking out about whether or not she would make another one of her patented crazy presences, but she didn't. I guess the threat of legal action does that to people. And moving in was good. Everything is still pretty much in boxes, but that's the nature of the beast. If I play my cards right, I'll be unpacked by the end of the weekend.

And on that note, it's time to interview - so take care, and ttys :)

2003-10-28T16:46:00.000-05:00

Okay folks, time for a real old-fashioned post...

It seems like so much has happened in the last month, and I've not been posting very much..so, for that I'm sorry. Things have been a roller coaster ride, really...the things that I thought were okay are, in general, better than that...and the things that were getting on my nerves...well, they're being dealt with in an appropriate manner.

Exams seemed to go okay. It's been a week and a half since they were completed, and I still don't have my marks back. Some things will never change, I guess. I am sure I passed everything...and then beauty of meds is that it's all honours-pass-fail now, so I'm not worried about getting kicked out of doctor school, or residency programs that I'm interested (that's another story, soon to hit the fan). And I know there are some of you who feel that I'm a bitch because you're all freaking out about marks and stuff. Well, I've been there, so I understand...and TRUST ME when I say I know the stress of cutoffs :P. So on to quarter two...the lectures the past few days have been awful, though.

Got to head home for a couple of nights this month, and that was great to see the family and the nephew. He's so adorable...and smart, too...he hasn't missed a single milestone! :) And, ps - if you're in Ottawa, just go check out the new airport. I know that sounds so stupid...but it's amazing...it's SO nice, and you'd never think you were in Ottawa...especially if you've ever been to the old airport!

Many other weekends were spent with the better half. His family is really great. They are something else, but great. As much as it was like pulling teeth to get me to go, I appreciated spending Thanksgiving with them...nicer than avoiding the house and eating at Tim Hortons...

And the big news..not that it's a surprise...but I'm moving out of the house in London, and into an apt. I'm leaving on Thursday, so I won't be around much this weekend. It's better this way, I think...we clearly don't get along, and I need to be looking out for myself sometimes...so that's the plan. On the plus, those new Bell Bundles are GREAT! :)

Okay...that's it for now...take care, all...see you in the future :)

2003-10-28T14:48:00.000-05:00

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
but somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
and the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though i've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
So don't come round here
and tell me i told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
the wound that would not heal
it's the bitter taste of losing everything
that i have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
So don't come round here
and tell me i told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those i thought were friends
to everyone i know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
pretend that they don't see
but it's one missed step
you'll slip before you know it
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
So don't come round here
and tell me i told you so...

2003-10-28T01:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've been having trouble with blogger...so I apologise for not re-posting. Here is a brief rundown of events:

Senate results: Me - 112, Blondie - 154. Oh well.
Moving date (official): Thursday October 30
Stress level - through roof.

2003-10-23T18:42:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Fallen, by Sarah McLachlan

Apologies to all for not posting in a while. I guess I feel that, everytime I come online to post, I just get overwhlemed and then give up. And even now, I just don't have a lot to talk about...a lot of things happening, but nothing worth discussing. For now, my focus is on everyone else. As much as it's easy for me to sit here and say that everyone is in a bad place...I dunno...it just seems like SO many people are dealing with rough things right now: breakups galore (I never thought that there was a complementary "autumn fever"), homesickness, parents moving to another country...one friend's mother is moving to Afghanistan for a news assignment...

I promise to post the senate result later on tonight. Other than that, things are very bipolar right now. Next week won't be pretty...but then the only way is up...

2003-10-12T14:36:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Scarecrow, Melissa Etheridge

As some of you may or may not know, today, October 12, marks 5-years since the death of Matthew Shepard. Now, I surely hope that you all know who he was - he was a small, kind, caring HIV-positive queer student at the University of Wyoming in Laramie. Several days prior to October 12, Matthew Shepard was approached by two men (whom shall remain nameless in the hopes that they never receive publicity for the hatred they have spread), was taken out to a field in rural Wyoming, where he was savagely assaulted, tied to a fence post, and left to die. All of this for simply being.

Not everyone remembers this happening in the media. Some of us were in the process of coming out, while others were not - some of whom probably never even thought twice about it (in fact, that will be the subject of another post, no doubt). The importance of this event was that it marked the first time in post-modern history when the face of hate was brought to the media, and people were given a glimpse of what goes through the head of someone who is struggling to come out, the fear that something like this could happen to one of us.

While this event pushed many of us back in, even turning on ourselves, many beautiful things have come of it. For once, the media opinion was that this is wrong. We began to see our community for what it is: a group of people trying to survive. This came at a time or RENT, a show about struggling to deal with the challenges at the end of the millennium, such as HIV/AIDS (arguably one of the most important turning points of the queer movement). To this, two years later, we add the revelation, the admission, even, that hate crimes do happen, and they happen to us, and we all need to work together.

Yes, we have a long way to go. For example, it has been more than 5 years and the Employment Non Discrimination Act in the US (the equivalent to our updated human rights code), has yet to be ratified. Our community is still facing violence, and disease in numbers far higher than we would like to see because they don't teach non-procreative intercourse protection in schools. We still forget the others who, like Matthew, lost their lives in the face of hate.

Matthew instilled in me the will to fight. To survive. To help others to survive. On this day I am reminded why I do what I do. I know, in my heart, change is possible. Change will come.

2003-10-11T17:29:00.000-04:00

People are the product of their own actions. There, I said it. I used to hate Dr. Phil, but I'm starting to realise that he hits the hammer on the head of the nail when he says it.

Sometimes I don't understand how people can have such low achievement motivation that everything that is going on in their lives can be blamed on other people, or other events. I know that there are times where it is definitely okay to take a time out and a step back to regroup - the prime example of this being a time of grief (for whatever reason from which the grief may stem). I guess the thing is that, at the end of the day, you have to be accountable for your life, and you need to do what it takes to achieve your goals. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't reach out when you need a hand, because you definitely have to. I guess sometimes, though, you need to remember that we're all dealing with our own things, and sometimes it's hard to expect a life preserver from someone who's trying to keep afloat.

Clearly I'm not a doctor, but for the love of all that's holy - stop. breathe. eat. and take care of yourselves first and foremost, or else no one is going to be of any use to you...

2003-10-08T09:31:00.000-04:00

Okay, it's not that I'm really freaking out or anything, it's just that I thought that my parents were going to come down to help me move out of my place at the end of the month, and I just got an e-mail from my mom saying that neither she nor my father will be here. I know I'm a grown person and all, but that still stresses me out a lot. I know I need to be focusing on school, but it's clear that it's hard when there is this other shit going on.

Grr...time to put up some posters for the thing that I'm doing that, technically, I'm not allowed to say on my blog.

2003-10-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Fallen, Sarah McLachlan <-- New favourite song!

You know those nights when you actually start to challenge if you are in the right program? Yeah, it's one of those nights.

Well, in typical Dustin fashion, I've gone to a meeting, and now I'm starting to question whether I rushed into medicine without finishing a few other degrees first. Today's idealistic plan? Well, either doing my PhD/Residency in Pathology...or doing an M.A or a PhD in queer theory and the epistemology of the closet. I know...stage 5...but let's be honest...it's stuff that I'm good at. I DEFINITELY have some research ideas that I would like to see take off...so maybe I need to start talking to people about doing an unprecedented M.A/M.D or something... In the name of academic integrity, I can't talk about what the research will entail, but I think it could be something...and I have two professors who I bet I could get to help me out with the research...maybe I should get on the phone with CIHR, and SSHRC. Damnit! I have to study!

Talk later...thoughts?

2003-10-06T07:34:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Fallen, Sarah McLachlan

That, and my sniffling nose.

I'm a bit under the weather today, but I think that has more to do with my lifestyle choices as of late than lots of little microbes. I haven't been sleeping that well, even though I've been trying to get to bed at decent times. I think it has something to do with the fact that I basically avoid my house when I think that my landlady is going to be awake...so I left this morning at 7, and I don't plan on returning until about 10. In the long run, this is a good thing, because it allows me to get a lot of studying done, and keeps me away from the television. I sometimes just wish I had a place where I could go and chill, though...soon enough, I suppose.

Other than that, things are the same, really. I dunno...that's about it. So maybe I should just get get a coffee and get my ass to class...only 25 mins early.

2003-10-04T13:08:00.000-04:00

I feel so sick to my stomach right now...and I'm sure it's stress. I don't feel at all prepared for some of my subjects...especially Anatomy and Biochemistry...and most of the others, though I think I know them, I don't feel confident about testing for them...

And to top it all off, I went to pick some stuff up from my place today, and my stomach was wrenching, then, as I was turning onto Fanshawe Pk Road, I saw my landlady driving by...At least she wasn't at home...but then I tried to eat some lunch, and felt so sick...

Things in my life are so bipolar right now...they are either fantastic (even if deep down it scares me shitless), or they are ass awful. I can't wait until Nov 1...no matter where I end up.

2003-10-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Silence

The shit has hit the fan, and I've absolutely had enough of it.

So I get home last night, to my landlady wanting to talk to me. She starts out by saying that she's really disappointed in me for a number of reasons. Then, basically after that, the voice is raised, and the tears come and go, and she's yelling at me for about 25 fucking minutes. That would be the second time in as many weeks that this has happened. And, to top it off, she called me selfish, irresponsible, insults my abilities as a medical student, and basically says that in 15 years, she has never had a problem like the one that I'm causing her. I calmly suggested to her that her yelling was implying that I shouldn't continue to live here. She said that it wasn't what she meant. But she also demonstrated to me that she really does have some psychological problems. She was acting like a woman who had her baby snatched out of her arms...

But that's absolutely it. If that bitch thinks that I'm going to play nice to her after insulting my character (and threatening me that the cops will pull me over for my car being too loud), and making up rules as she goes along, she is sadly mistaken. So, as of November 1st, I am out of there. And, as of October 25, she will know that, too.

It has been so hard for me here...I miss everyone so much, and I wasn't feeling like this was my home...and last night just made it clear to me just how much this was the case. I'm already looking at places, with limited success...pretty much, I have one option...which will work for me. Anything is better than that fucking house in that fucking neighbourhood.